It has been over three years since I have been in this current home. Yet, I still feel like a child at heart because at times I act in my mind like a spoiled little brat and think that I should get everything that I want. Sometimes, we must grow up and realize that to have things such as this home, it takes things like adulting and doing what is needed, even if we don’t want to do them, they are a necessity.

Over the past five years of living independently, I have had my share of issues with my mental health and not caring for it. I have caused a great deal of turmoil among many, and I have seen so many, including those I haven’t even seen in person, care about me so greatly. Until you really think about it, it is the reason that you keep going and doing what you need to do. But then there are times when something changes or that I need to transition into doing something that requires me to be an adult. That is when I want to be that stubborn person that I want to be and fight the battle about things that are yet so simple that make life easy, like winding down for bed or taking my medicine, because I know it helps.

Over the last few days of my self-care time, I have dedicated so much time to sleep that today was the first day that I did not have to nap because for one I chose to not heavily pack my day with activity. I did as I was asked and had plenty of time for myself. Therefore, it has taken me to accept that there is only so much that I can do in a day and that following through with my bedtime medication is a must along with adequate sleep so I can function in a world that is not made for me and be able to control myself in the non-neuro diverse environments.

 For as much work as it has taken to get the right cocktail of medication to be able to live the life in the way that I have lived and having it for nearly two and a half decades, then playing around with it for over five years before realizing that it helps me live life to the fullest and is in no way intended to hurt me. It helps me wind down from the day and be able to recharge my brain for the next day so I can navigate the outside world that is ever so challenging when I must employ my coping strategies to do the things that I must do.

It cannot be seen as a waste or a way to silence me. For as much as family and others have discounted my need to sleep over the past few days, I am still recovering from the past five years of not having daily sleep. There are many things that my family and others do not know that I have done. They know that I had some nights up and in fact there were many nights that I did not sleep and was not my best the next day, yet I was in the press and crash cycle of surviving for a very long time and not getting the necessary sleep that is needed every day.

I just heard on a Facebook advertisement for SPARK that 40% of autistic individuals struggle with getting a full night’s sleep. For most of the last five years I had thought that I had missed so much of what was going on in the outside world without taking care of myself and not getting the necessary sleep. Since I got back on the medicine full time and had adequate time to rest, I have had to relearn what life for me is as an autistic adult had to be in a world that is constantly not made for me. It means that when I get home from day program or work a nap is necessary.

When I was living with my family, napping was seen as being weak and they could not understand as “easy” as my job seemed to them that for me it is more challenging than it for my neurotypical counterpart. Just because it may not be standard for them to have a nap from something so easy, for me navigating so many challenges in a day by the time that I get home, I am often worn out and napping is necessary.

Now, you top that with me not getting adequate sleep nearly the past five years and you can see where I was living in bitter survival mode along with many other stressors that just didn’t have to be, and it was mainly in many ways because I was at many times so much in the end unwilling to understand the necessity of taking one pill before bed so I could wind down from the day, because I was so stubborn and did not want to be the adult and do what was needed for me to get the necessary rest for the next day.

Over the course of the last five years and Moreso the three months before the episode that started to get me on the right track a few months ago that shaping up was necessary to get my life under control. It took a lot of convincing and caused a great deal of concern and even reduced the number of people trying to help me to tears because they knew something was wrong and they were unable to help me until I became clear about what I was doing. I never want to get to that point again.

That August day was not the only day that I had people concerned about me, family was continually concerned about me, and I had acted out verbally and very volatile at my day program over the past few years to the point where those that looked up to me as a role model saw a part of me that I never wanted them to see. Yet, I did it again and it did not end up good for many reasons. But years after thinking that others were the problem, I indeed had discovered that I was a part of the problem and that to have the things that I needed to have in life, I must always be the adult in caring for myself including taking my medicine and getting adequate sleep.

I am a sweet, loving, intelligent and beautiful person and to live the life I want and need to require me to take care of myself my following through with my medication regimen, sleeping and all other parts of my well-being so I can navigate the complex world out there that is not exactly made for me. It is something that is so simple, yet the battle can come when the brain is so embedded in wanting to do the opposite because it has been in survival mode for so long. But that is what being an adult is, not playing around with your life and doing what is needed. There is no do-overs, you only get one life to live, and you must make it the best that you can.