Oftentimes when I ruminate, I think about reacting to others by blaming them for their faults using the way that things were done in the past as merit. It is true that I am very reluctant to understand and conceptualize that do change, although I promote others with similar challenges to be adamant to make the necessary changes, it is yet that I live in a vacuum of trapped thoughts that I cannot let go of.

Over the past few months, I have been taking care of myself quite well and have been able to manage most of the challenges that I am faced with in the daily flow of the week. Yet, when I am approached with certain new things, I am reluctant to be willing to embrace them based on engrained thoughts that are no longer valid.

Deep down there is a part of me that wants to be the one to react negatively by being a spoiled little brat and throwing a hissy fit because I don’t think something is the way it should be. This comes from years of negative learned phrases and behavior that is often transcribed in echolalia and scripting in my own confines. I try to not ruminate on these thoughts as they have no merit and are unhealthy to even think about as they are untrue. Yet, if I allow my mind to, I will ruminate on them as if nothing else matters by getting what I want because of the perception of what is wrong when in fact I have no value in something other than to follow the orders that are given to me. If my basic needs are met, then it is not my place to weigh in on decisions that have no merit in the operation in something that is essential.

Therefore, I know that I must refocus my energy on things that are needed for me to be well and to get through the day with ease. Even if others chose to occupy their minds with banter that can cause a ruckus, it is imperative for me to not feed into issues that can inflict negative energy, rather there are times when it is best to focus on my needs for the betterment of my well-being.

It can be hard to let go of the things that used to be and move on by doing things a new way, even if I do not agree with them because “it’s always been done this way.” Maybe, it “wasn’t supposed to be done that way” or “it was done that way before for a certain reason.” When things change that we may not like or agree with it can be difficult for an autistic person to be willing to ease into something unfamiliar, especially if it has caused a lot of tension in the past for a myriad of reasons.

Part of learning and growing from the mistakes of the past is moving on and blazing a new trail. The latter can be difficult especially if you are carrying baggage from all the damage done and are unwilling to let go of what happened in the past because you think you always get the wrong deal in life or are unwilling to see things differently because you have always seen them in a negative light.

Then, I think, what if I try to make the best of it, ease into the transition by not allowing the negative energy to enter my space and work at fighting it when it appears. If I keep saying that others are the problem, yet I am unwilling to see that I too am at least part of the problem that needs to be reconciled and not be willing to change with the rest of the change based on past elements that are not so anymore, than I am continuing to live in the past while unwilling to move forward to see that there are ways that things are done differently because what worked in the past was not the way it was supposed to.

I must refrain from reacting by blaming others on their mistakes and the way things were in the past because of being embedded deeply in the past and unwilling to move forward with things being done with the way that they need to be done because it is something that has been needed to be done all along. The most essential thing is to keep my necessities including maintaining my overall well-being and health at the forefront, so I do not slip into where I have been in the past.