Lately, there has been pending changes in my schedule that are going to make me remind myself of the monster that I was. It can be hard to forget that person that I was six months ago and how I was that day from not taking care of myself that day. There are times when I deeply regret the way I acted, but I also remember that I cannot change the past and must move on from what was.

Looking back, I can see the things that I did not do to protect myself from acting in the way that I did that day. It would take me over four months to finally settle on the fact that I would need to eliminate caffeine from my food intake so that the medicine that I would take would work and not be counterproductive by my constant desire to fuel myself with very unhealthy beverages that were in no way helping the situation.

While things initially got better and I acknowledged my mistakes from that destructive day six months ago, I eventually made more destructive decisions that were in no way good for my mental health. It took until I broke down in an empty office as it was being emptied and realizing that I had to nip the issues that I was facing in the bud so that they did not continue to keep rearing themselves up again and again and not get the outcome that I desired for the long term.

I know that I cannot be the monster that I was that April day and while I was not the end result of what caused things to change that day, I know that I need to be responsible and do what is right to protect myself in order to manage the stresses of what that previous situation could be by employing the necessary coping strategies and defense mechanism in order to prevent myself for acting out in the monstrous way that I once did.

Yet, over six months later, I still feel a great deal of remorse for the way that I acted back in April that haunts me frequently. I know that things happened the way that they did and that I cannot change what exactly happened and I have been continually reassured that I must move on. But, when the way that I acted constantly plays over and over again like a record on repeat and it makes me feel as if I knew all along that I should have never done the things in the first place to cause the reactions that were made, it hurts really bad, yet I know that these things happened for a reason and I must move on.

I try nearly daily to move on from that eventful day in April. Many things have changed since then and most of them for the better. I know that it is up to me to set the right tone going forward from when I was that monster and not allow my emotions or personal feelings come into play when similar actions take place as they did back then because for the majority of things, I must understand that if I am unable to change something that I may find unpleasant and my basic needs are met, then I must do what I know I need to do to cope with the challenges that may arise along the way.

I am a pretty intelligent person and I know that I must do things that I do not need to do out of necessity of maintaining my independence. My time off from my last mental health episode has taught me that immensely and is the cornerstone of why I must do what is necessary to always keep my well-being on the back burner of my mind when going through the challenges in life.

The way that you navigate through life lies within the choices that you make. I can choose to go back to the old ways of living by not doing what is needed to learn and grow from my past experiences and keep the cycle repeating or be the shining example of who I know that I can be by doing the right thing and blaze a new trail and work on progressing myself forward to a much better person in the end.