As outgoing as I can be at times, it can be hard to believe that I am reluctant to reach out to support when I feel that I need to. I know they are there, yet I feel as if I am a burden because I am struggling at that very moment with life as the person that I am.

Without a doubt, I am fortunate to have the support that I have. That is something that many adults with my challenges do not have. I know that it should never be taken for granted, yet I am so darn reluctant to become vulnerable and say that I am struggling as if I am this person that has problems and is not always OK. I know that I have limited my support circle to only those that would truly be supportive of my needs, yet I worry about the fact that I may be rejected because I am not my best.

The same can be said for the fact that I am reluctant to make connections with others out of this grandeur fear of rejection. It comes from years of negative self-talk and catastrophizing that the worst possible scenario is going to happen in life if I take that initial step and reach out and put myself out there. There can be many reasons that I can be seen as a person with redeeming qualities and things on my end would be good.

It is not without saying that there are a lot of engrained thoughts about the fact that life is just rough. But I know that I have so much to offer the world in support and love that at times it is OK that if I need it too from those that are willing to give it to me, just If I would reach out and let them know that I am NOT OK instead of being defensive and just saying that I am OK. I think that it is hard for me to be open and honest about my struggles outside of my circle of safety because I think that I am foolish for thinking as the guy that has so much in life, yet still struggles from time to time with simple thoughts by catastrophizing and rumination.

Because of at times of not understanding social nuances or being too vulnerable due to not adhering to my medications and initially being vulnerable for it to only result in a friendship that was very toxic and taxing for me and being overwhelmed with it, there is immense fear of being hurt or going down that road again although I have became more aware of the red flags when this happened and that I do not venture into the arenas where that occurred.

Yet, it can be hard to imagine a life where I could open up about my struggles, although minute at that very moment, and something that can pass with support, that others can support me and be kind to me. Anxiety plays a huge role in holding me back from the things that I am struggling with and be set on the right track and eliminate the period when I feel so alone and that the struggle that I am facing is out of reach or unnecessary.

I am a strong and resilient person and can overcome many of my struggles. I am very fortunate to have natural supports in my life, and am grateful for them, yet I hold myself prisoner because I fear the fact that there are others that can be supportive of what I am experiencing at that very moment and could be the segway at that moment to get me on the right track. I know I can overcome so much in my life and If I make myself more open to the world instead of living in fear that the worst possible thing could happen, then I would be so much more at ease than I am now.