Because of being autistic. It’s that thing that you struggle to say. That thing that brings you down sometimes. That thing that makes you unique, one of a kind. It can be a hard thing to bear at times, but in the end, it’s how you choose to live with it and manage the things that being autistic brings.

I’ve had autistic tendencies most of my life, and I was diagnosed at 13. That was 25 years ago. For me it was initially Asperger’s Disorder and trying to explain that to educators and professionals wasn’t easy. In addition to that spectrum diagnosis, there were a host of other diagnoses under the mental health umbrella that did not make life especially easy to manage.

I had been on psychological medications since I was six years old. First with Ritalin. That did no service because while I may admit that I may have ADHD, it is not the principal thing that needs to be treated. It had the effect of me not wanting to eat sometimes and constant visits to the pediatric doctor. Back in the 1990’s, it couldn’t seem that I was autistic because I did not have many of the traits that were known to the general populace at the time.

Then in 1998 came wraparound services. I met this mobile therapist that came to my parents’ house, and I gave them a run for their money. I eloped and they went and got me, something that isn’t common practice today. That weekend on my family’s behalf, they made 16 calls to seek a solution to what I was experiencing. I was sent to the University of Pittsburgh, where I met one of the experts. Within minutes it was determined that I did have Asperger’s Syndrome.

Yet, having this diagnosis meant that it had to be treated and being the onset of puberty did not help. I had some vivid behaviors that were not easy to have even in a world some time ago. I was connected to a psychiatrist in Pittsburgh and in 1999 was where the medication journey began. Combined with puberty, autistic individuals experience more troubling times, and it was no different for me. I had experienced a lot and ran my parents ragged. As much as I had brought them through, their love to this day is still never ending.

It took them with dedicated professionals to advocate and get the treatment that I needed and to get my medication to the right cocktail that it needed to be for me to live a life that could be manageable. For most of the life since the right cocktail was found, life has been mostly manageable. Even though the past five years have had its share of struggles and learning experiences, I still am resilient and accept things for what are.

Today, life is pretty good and in fact it takes a lot of time to manage the life that I have and understand that I am still autistic and have mental health challenges. Sometimes it means that I must take care of myself first and foremost even though I do not want to take time out to do things like nap or relax. It has become one of the things that has become a necessary evil of being autistic for me to unwind in a world that is just too much for me sometimes nor is made for me.

It is accepting my challenges and the way that I must care for myself in the way that I must for what they are. They may not be what I want at times, but it is what is necessary to get through life that is doable for me and to live my life in the best way possible. I know that it could be a lot worse than what it is and by doing what is necessary to care for myself can go a long way in making life more manageable.