Today, while practicing self-care, I came across a YouTube video of where a police officer was dropping off an individual at a psychiatric facility and even though the officer had paperwork to have the juvenile in custody, the employee of the facility was reluctant to admit them through the secure door because they claimed there was no beds. This reminded me of how I need to be thankful of where I am right now and even though I may not be totally happy, it is better than other outcomes that I may have experienced.

Through discussions last week with a colleague, I discussed the struggles that I faced as a teenager while being in a summer of multiple psychiatric hospitalizations and my parents and a former wraparound worker pounding the pavement to get me in the facility of my parents choosing after touring the ones available in the region and fighting the system to pay for it , when obtuse alternatives were offered that in no way provided the outcome that my parents wanted. I got the care close to home that I needed to have and had my family included in my treatment.

For many years, I held a lot of judgement towards my parents for doing this. But now, looking back and even through the last few years and even seeing this video in question today, I can see that they were doing what they thought was best because they did not know how to best care for me. I was just two years after being diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder and many other diagnoses and needed to get a baseline on my meds in a facility where it was safe to do so. This came from about a year of many hospital visits and being prescribed a multitude of psychotropic medications that had a multitude of effects on me.

Even though I could not see it until recently, my parents still love me very much and will do whatever is needed to make sure my needs are met, even when I was in my most challenging times the last few months and needed to get back on track. I deeply regret that I lied to them and others about the destructive decisions that I took to get to my manic episode, undoing all the work that was set in place and yet not seeing the dangers of not being more open and honest about my struggles with them.

This came from seeing a situation that is now nonexistent and basing my parents’ ability to address issues that may arise. That was and still is far from the truth. I saw when I was recovering from my episode that my family showed more love than anyone else and I now months later I feel so much regret for the ways that I have treated them over the years. I know that I am fortunate to have such loving parents in my life, and yet I was ignoring them and not acknowledging the fact that they have always loved me through all my struggles despite mine and their perceived thoughts on things.

I know as we close October and we begin the month of being grateful, that I need to be extra grateful for my family because without them, it can be hard to tell what that outcome would have been over 23 years ago. They were the fierce advocates that did whatever it took to get what was needed to be done by fighting the systems and getting me to where I needed to be. Three years ago, when I had many issues amid the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, they were there and did what was needed to get me back on my feet and even a few months ago when I took a turn for the worst, they were there. It has made me see that I can never make destructive decisions, ask their advice when need and do what is needed to take care of me, but also know how valuable those that genuinely care about me are in my life.