In this post, I only intend to share with you my experience with caffeine. It is just my experience. Everyone handles caffeine differently. Throughout my life, I have been told that it is not good for me, and I had to discover that the hard way. I know because of my makeup; it has never been a good thing for me and now I have finally accepted it.

 Many know that in addition to being autistic that I also have anxiety. Yet, for most of my adulthood, I was counteracting the medicine used to aid in the treatment of my anxiety with caffeine laden soft drinks. These were not always calorie free and until I quit “cold turkey” over a month ago, I would drink up to six liters of some of the highest caffeinated soda daily.

It was many times the first and last thing that I thought about daily. It became something that was an addiction, just as much as heroin is to someone in recovery. It had become a very prolonged habit that I just never wanted to break because I felt that I was being a cool adult showing some chill.

Yet, over the past few decades, I had many arguments that I needed caffeine was constantly fueled by the addicted qualities that it provided me. I could drink non-stop and when I couldn’t get it, I was a very irritable man who lately did whatever was needed to ensure that I was able to get caffeinated beverages in my grasp.

Growing up and still to this day my parents are well-versed in caffeine. My father in his mid-seventies never had anything but water and milk. Chocolate milk for him is a treat. My mother has always been well versed in the good and bad of nutrition, weight loss and other health-related topics. Throughout life, we hardly ever had caffeine in the house and when I was diagnosed for a time with ADHD, this was further enforced. My maternal grandparents followed suit, always having caffeine free beverages on hand in their house.

So, while growing up, I have always been reminded of the dangers of caffeine and knew that it wasn’t good for me and my challenges.

Then, I went away to trade school at the state vocational rehabilitation center. Being bored and away from my parents for a great deal of time and constant access to money and vending machines had caused me to begin the addiction. The weight creeped up and yet, I did not care.

Coming back home a year later, the addictive personality did not wane. This resulted in continuous arguments day in and day out.  It was many times the first and last thing that I thought about daily. It became something that was an addiction, just as much as heroin is to someone in recovery. It had become a very prolonged habit that I just never wanted to break because I felt that I was being a cool adult showing some chill. It was like wanting to get my fix and when I couldn’t, I was a miserable son of a gun.

It at times took events and times that were meant to be good to the extreme opposite with shouting matches and persistent arguments that unless my need was met, I would not give up my fight for getting what I wanted and would do what ever I could to feed my need for caffeine.

I would leave home again in 2018. This time, moving out on my own in my early thirties. The first independence experience caused me to have many challenges that even existed until over a month ago. That situation crashed when there were issues with my first apartment and the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic.

So, again, I was under a national lockdown and under my parents’ grasp in a more hostile world that everyone was experiencing because no one had control of much of the outside world. Then, the addictive personalities picked up. Sweet Tea and Diet Products that my parents eventually caved in and allowed me to have because I would not stop begging or being contentious.  It, along with other behavior back then caused me to go into a crisis and thankfully with the help of my therapist, we averted anything tragic from happening.

A few months later when the world opened sort of back up, I pounded the pavement, sought, and secured my current home. Yet, I was still having the same behaviors I was experiencing not only because of the caffeine, but also because I was not medicating properly. I was a very volatile person and no matter how much my support system or treatment team warned me of the dangers I was doing, I would not listen to them.

In spring of 2023, I had a bad episode at my day program. This was where I had to accept that drinking sweetened tea was off the table. For a bit, things were more manageable, yet not being fully honest with my medication, within over a month, I made a very destructive decision that eventually caused me to decline and resulted in another bad episode again on August 29, 2023. Not having a choice but to take some time to focus on being well again, I decided once and for all to give up caffeine.

 The three days were the hardest. I could hardly do anything, and I didn’t leave my apartment. Additionally, because of not taking care of myself mentally, many things in my life were skewed or in decline and I, as slowly as I could, got them in order. As time gone on through September, things got better mentally and as I have hit the 30 days mark this week, it is like the days before I was addicted to caffeine.

I now understand that I can never go back to it, and I must be aware when triggering situations arise because one drink can not only set me on a caffeine relapse but can have some unpleasant effects as well.

As a result of not having caffeine in my system, many things within my body have improved greatly, quite notably, my GI / digestive system is operating much better than it was when I was caffeinated. Other improvements are happening, including not nearly as anxious as I once was. Mentally I am in a much better position than I have been in a very long time and being out of the cusp of my parents has made it much easier for me to live and be a better person.

I love this life now and there is no going back. Caffeine works differently in everyone, but for me with my challenges and as I have always known, it is not the thing for me. Everyone is free to choose their position on it, but this is my lived experience tried and true.