A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on my platform about not being happy all the time. This stemmed from the fact that I have my moments as everyone does. But in hindsight, it made me realize that I needed to find things in my life that bring me happiness and joy.
My brain at times becomes scattered. I have to keep it entertained yet contained with some sense of occupancy to not let looping, ruminating, intrusive or irrational thoughts enter my headspace. It takes its toll sometimes. At times I get down on myself because of having to mask when things do not go smoothly and I have to be in a neurotypical sense and hold my feelings and thoughts in until I get to my cocoon of safety.
When I process them and try to shake them out, sometimes remnants remain and those in my close circle are at the end of my frustration with things. While I have gotten better over the past few months due to having a better medication regimen, it still happens, just not as intense and I am more able to bring myself to reality.
In this specific instance, I learned from my mother that “no one is happy all the time” and that I need to find something that finds me joy in order to replace those thoughts. It had me think for a minute. Most of my life, unless I know about someone’ situation beforehand, it is hard for me because of being autistic to understand their ability to mask their frustration better than those of a autistic nature. Oftentimes, we expect that everyone is to be there and do for us without understanding that indeed everyone has their moments.
In hindsight, it is not continuing to throw the pity party of life and think that my life is so bad, because in reality it is not. Life happens, it throws us curve balls and we cannot live life always according to plan. It is that I get by until I can properly manifest my feelings in my own way, in my own time. Only doing so delays the happiness and joy that I deserve.
But it can be hard to realize what indeed makes me happy. I am slowly continuing on that journey of self discovery in my independence, even though it is more calm now than it has been in some time, mostly due to being on the medication regularly, I finally have my life back in some sense and I have to learn to do the things that make me happy. It is better than it is worse and I do have the moments, they just aren’t as intense as they were. I am better grounded and have a better sense of routine and follow through.
There are so many ways that can make me happy, yet there are times it can be hard to focus on them. It is in learning ways of coping and understanding how to restructure those thoughts that can be dark and deep at times that makes things better for me. It is knowing that all things considered I have so much to be thankful for and the things that I do not have will arrive in due time.
But what finds joy in me is still developing for me in some sense. I do enjoy using my skills and story by sharing them with the world and will continue to do so . I am forever thankful three years ago for being encouraged to do that and keep the routine going. It brings me joy in finding that I have such a slow but massive following that thirst for my knowledge and story whether it be in written or spoken word, I know that I need to keep the story going and that is one thing that brings me joy.