For the majority of my life, I could never see the positive of a situation. No matter what was presumed of a situation, I would bring up some sort of negative connotation or the worst thing about something that could be intended to be a nice day out.
It goes with keeping my headspace in check, where I always make unkind false statements that are many times untrue nor will I carry out on what I say I will do. It can be taxing on not only me, but those in my close proximity. I have the power to keep positive energy in my life and for many instances I have so much going for me compared to having very little struggles in my life.
My parents are at the brunt of when I am in my negative energy and catastrophize about things or experience thoughts of wanting to run away from something without letting it play out first. My brain automatically jumps to 1-100 so fast that I can ruminate on a million things that could happen before something starts. It is taxing on me and without a doubt it is taxing on them. It can be hard for me to remain positive without worrying about something that may not happen the way that it is to go.
It is fearing continual doom in my life and thinking that the worst possible thing can happen or that something will be ruined because I did something wrong. It feels so pressuring to meet the standard that is expected to keep the spirits up as an autistic person all while not overthinking or catastrophizing about things that may happen in the course of an activity or other event that could be my fault.
Without a doubt, I want to remain positive and not say those disturbing things in my life. However, growing up they seemed to be the catalyst to getting me the attention that my brain thought I was lacking simply because I could not keep myself entertained. It can be challenging to manage and as 2023 starts, I am using better strategies in keeping myself entertained and less dependent on those in my close circle because I know they deserve their time too.
Despite all that I endured in my life, I am realizing that I am improving more and more each day and hopefully that is something that I can do with being positive. It can be challenging when your brain chemistry is not able to calm down that inner voice in your head, Mostly, I am able to autistically mask when it is necessary to do so, however, there are times when I am home alone that these thoughts will boil over in my brain and it can be hard to steer my focus away from it.
This is making sure that my brain is entertained continuously so that there is little chance for it to entertain negativity and fuel an out of control fire of things that may have happened or that I think I can control, but in reality I know that is just not possible. Using proper strategies like filling the room with music helps with this, and when things need to be more focused, headphones.
There is rarely a day when I board the van for work or a day program that I am not equipped with my wireless headphones. At work, I have a set of headphones that is tied into my phone so I can complete my work. What compliments this is Amazon Music or YouTube to entertain my needs for white sounds. Additionally, this can be complemented with a fan.’
It goes without saying that there are strategies that are making 2023 better at combating my negativity and working at making me a more positive and optimistic person. There is not a part of me that doesn’t want life to be better and without any issues and while I cannot be perfect, I know I can do better than what I am doing now because I know that those untrue thoughts or scripts that I am not going to follow through with are just a easy thing that I can work on fixing for 2023.