Adulting, Independence

Adulting: Unperceived Maturity

As I continue this journey of independence as an autistic adult, It can be frustrating for me to try my best to be an adult when others that have known me prior to my independence see me as the person of my past and continue to think of me as my past self.

It can be hard, particularly in the relationships of those that have known you throughout your life or you react to the ways of your childhood. Leaving that legacy with them will make them always see you as this childish-minded adult who doesn’t have a sense of maturity under their belt. They constantly remind you of the dangers of the outside world as they have in half of your existence in this world as an adult. 

For me, it can be a delicate balance of wanting to mature and make my own decisions that are not the preferences of others because of these individuals’ ability to helicopter and do their best to protect me from potential harm. Little do they know that I am well seasoned way beyond the ways that they see. I know when to say know and when something isn’t right. Through reading and viewing, I am aware of the dangers of the world and know to protect my privacy and safety at all times by practicing the proper safeguards to avoid becoming a victim of anything unfavorable as it is a common statistic among autistics. 

I oftentimes want to do things in life, however my anxiety and the thoughts and opinions of others hold me back from doing the things I need and want to do to make my life an even better one that I am living now, even though it has taken me awhile to get to the point that I am at now. In  my personal world I am living the life that no one could ever imagine, proving things that I thought I could never do and imagine, accepting things in life that I needed to accept for decades and understanding how I want to live my life, despite what others may have planned for me. 

While I accept the opinions of others as they have the right to their opinions, it can hold me back in doing the things that I want to do in life because I fear making decisions that are my own. I know that given my life, I have only been a genuine adult for only a few years and more recently as one that is in the right state of mind in order to make sound decisions. There is a lot of anxiety when making these decisions such as having a fear if they are the right thing to do.

I have been slowly advocating for myself more and more as time goes. More recently I made the decision to change dosing times for my medication as the particular one I have been fighting with throughout my independence works better closer to me wanting to go to bed rather than at an interval with another med that is taken at additional times of the day. As I received my meds prepacked from the pharmacy, I asked the technician and pharmacist to add the third dosing to make things work better for me without any issue. I had learned that the med that I was fighting with is indeed to be taken before bed and works better that way from my doctor and I have been practicing this practice for over a month since consulting the doctor and it is working better finally in my life.

There are other things I want to do in my life and one day I hope I will move forward with them in my life and not live in continual fear of it being the wrong choice. When others have fear, their fear becomes my fear and it prevents me from being able to think independently and make my own decision. I have always known myself best, but oftentimes uncertainty has weighed heavily in being able to accept that it is what I want and that I don’t want what others want for me. 

As time goes on I am learning that it is important to have my own autonomy and own the decisions that I make for the reasons I make them, not what others think I should have,

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