So, another week has come and gone and I’m no where further in understanding the simple fact that not taking my medicine makes me someone who I don’t want to be. No matter how many times I flirt with disaster and cause heartache on those closest to me, I still struggle with the understanding that medication management is necessary in maintaining a healthy life even though the side effects are at times rough.
I now realize that if I would have addressed this issue with my psychiatrist last year when I have felt sluggish and tired all the time, I may not have been traveling down the same path I keep going down and causing hurtful damage to those that care for me the most and really didn’t have to do some of the things they’ve had to in order to have me live with them. Somehow it doesn’t sink in my thick skull that I need to show gratitude for their generosity towards me and the things they’ve done for me. That should be my number one priority of taking care of myself at this very moment.
There are a couple of factors that make me hesitant discuss honestly my medicine with the psychiatrist. One is change, as in many on the spectrum struggle with. Will I be okay or will I end up in the psych unit at the local hospital? In reality I know I will certainly earn a trip there if I continue down this revolving cycle that I am in. However I know that my parents cannot and should not be subject to my verbal and sometimes physical abuse towards them. I wouldn’t do that to anyone else because I know I would not be forgiven as much as I have been. Also I know that if I was in any other kind of residential setting I would be mandated to medicate regularly whether I would want to or not.
The other reason is something I been struggling with for some time and that is my fear of my psychiatrist. Not him specifically, but psychiatrists in general. I have just bad history of sitting in loud cramped waiting rooms to see someone to not only have to return sometimes a month later let alone risk the possibility of having changes to my life be made in a millisecond. This was done once because I had a meltdown at the psychiatrist appointment and it resulted in me being committed to the psych unit at once then my parents didn’t want me back until I was better so I was placed in residential treatment as a result for nine months, so you could say that I do have a fear of the psychiatrist.
Regardless, I have to come to terms that taking my medicine is indeed a necessary evil and crucial to my well-being and recovery and should not be seen as my parents, therapist, etc. forcing me to do this but rather a way of maintaining that wellbeing. Likewise, if I want to better myself and not feel as sluggish as I do then I need to be upfront and honest with my doctor and not live my life in fear or be a wreckful disaster because of my illicit actions. I know I have to take the medicine to be well and live with my parents and if I go anywhere else the situation may be worsened by the medicines being added and dosages increased due to my behaviors if they are not inappropriate so I think its best to follow the instructions as prescribed until I see the doctor next month.
I am slowly coming to realize that in order for me to continue to have the life that I have it is essential for me to medicate, as directed and at the right times, otherwise detrimental circumstances will occur to me. By not taking my medicine it doesn’t really accomplish much more than it does if I do take it so for the time being I realize that until I seek the direction of change, it is necessary to follow the present orders and somewhat manage the not so bad side effects that occur from what I have been doing at the present moment until something can be remedied for the better.