People often ask me what don’t I like about being autistic . I often say the worst thing I don’t like is the anxiety that comes with being autistic. The anticipation. The worrying. The fretting. The overthinking. The rumination. All of it. Many times, I think about how much easier it would be to run away from my worries. Avoiding them seems simpler than facing them head-on. After much deliberation, I decide to confront them. I fight through my battles and do what needs to be done.

I often want to avoid the things that make me feel uncomfortable. The unknown. The unexpected. The things that make me feel uncomfortable. The things that make me feel sick inside. Like they would be better off if I would avoid them and not do them. The reality is that I have a responsibility to uphold in some situations. I was often taught to value commitment when you tell someone you are going to do something. Unless you physically can’t do it, you follow through and face your fears. It’s often not as bad as I imagine. Once I warm up to doing what is needed, it can be quite manageable.

There have been some things in the past that I had thought I would never do. I worked in a former funeral home. I rode county paratransit. I said goodbye to people I thought I would never manage to say goodbye to. Yes, these things were hard to do. Yet, by believing in myself and with the help of some pretty good people, I overcame so much. I faced my fears instead of running away from them. Running away is my usual response. This happens when I am approached to do something that is uncomfortable and unknown to me. I thought of unimaginable scenarios. I imagined that I would need to survive through some of the worst things. This was to make it in this world. So many people boosted my confidence. With their help, I overcame my fears because I knew my best interests were at heart. Honestly, some of those hard decisions were the best ones I made. They improved my quality of life and mental well-being.

When anxiety hits me, it feels like I am up against a wall fighting something that seems impossible. It feels like the only solution is to run away from the overwhelming thoughts in my mind. I overthink and ruminate on these thoughts. Eventually, the situation with my family has changed. As a result, there is not as much time for me to be with my parents. This means I am often left to my own devices. I have to find support in other ways that need me to take the initiative on my own. I have met some people who can sometimes share the same struggles. These people help me as I help them. They offer things to me, just as I offer things to them.

Ultimately, I had to find ways to stop overthinking. I also needed to prevent myself from ruminating about what I want to run away from. I am still working on coping with anxiety in my own ways. When anxiety creeps up, it makes me want to run away from my worries. But, I learned it’s better to confront my fears rather than escape from what bothers me. If I need to express my feelings, I should go ahead and do so. I am doing much better now than I used to at facing things that frighten me.