Over the past several years, there have been many times when I have not been my best self. Even when I did not want to admit it, those close to me sensed something was not right. Even as I did not want to admit it, they knew. When they would bring it to my attention, I realized I had to stop playing those games. I understood that change was necessary. I had to make things right.

Over many years of living on my own, I have struggled with medication adherence. This led me down a path of self-destruction. It worsened over time until I eventually crashed and burned. Others would notice things about me were not right. For the longest time, I would not believe them. I was in denial about the way I was secretly destroying myself. I believed that I knew more than what had long been a practice in my life.

The reality is scary. Employment and friendships can be affected when you don’t care about your mental health. This frightens me. I want to take care of myself. It was knowing that I was scaring others and they were concerned for me. They only wanted to see the best in me. Still, I was discarding it all. My mental health disorders led me to believe it was what life should be. But it was not guiding me to understand what was real. Regardless of how hard it was, getting back on track would be worth it.

Back then, my mind believed that I was fine when in fact things were continuing to decline. Others would point out that I was behaving differently. My actions were not consistent with my usual self. Even though I couldn’t see it, others seen it and would tell me. At that point, I realized I needed to refocus. I had to do what was necessary to become my best self. I also knew that I was lying about my mental health. I knew what I needed to do all along, which was to do what was right. This meant fighting through the disease and being the braver one.

It isn’t easy when someone points out that you are not yourself. There is a sense of shame and guilt. But when this has happened, I knew what I had done. It was up to me to do what was best to rectify the situation. I wanted to be my best self. It is hard to do what is needed. In the end, it is the right thing to do, no matter how hard it is.

Being autistic, living on your own and managing the many mental health challenges that I have isn’t always easy. Nothing in life is ever perfect. We must do what we know we need to do to care for ourselves in the best way possible. This way, we prove to those who have faith in us that we can do what we need to do. It helps us be ourselves and do our best. Sometimes, it takes someone helping us get back on track when we are not ourselves.