Throughout my life, the matter of time has always been a factor. I have always focused intensely on what time it was. I was constantly worried about missing out on something. This concern grew until it would cause me to go into a meltdown. It is hard to believe that still today, I am fascinated with the matter of time. I wonder whether there is enough. But, I have started trading the fear of missing out for living in the moment. I am now taking things as they come.

One of the hardest things was battling the fight to be medication adherent over the years. I did not want to miss out or stop enjoying doing things. I was angry because I was sleeping too much. I was not capable of getting done the things I wanted in my routine. I was so angry. I believed the only way to manage my anger was to avoid the medication. I had a bad relationship with that medication. This complicated the relationship further. It caused me to go into a mania. Then, I crashed asleep at the moment I did not want to. This kept the cycle going, thus making it harder to break.

I experienced several relapses. Eventually, I understood that taking my medication as prescribed was the best course of action. I started accepting things for what they were. I learned that I had to be kind and patient during those hard moments. It was important to give myself grace when I did sleep. This approach would make things the best given the circumstances.

I had to let go of the hard feelings that I had about sleep. I understood that it is sometimes necessary for me to nap. This is especially true after long weekends when I was exhausted from all that I was doing. It was OK to take a nap to a degree. I needed to find the energy to stay awake. I had to wait until it was time to take my medication and go to bed. Not taking my medication was not the answer to my problems. It opened and kept the cycle rolling that I did not want to have. It took me time to see that.

It took time and patience to get back to where I needed to be. I had to understand something important. If I got back to where I needed to be, the need to sleep would eventually wane. Then, things would be like they were in the past. I needed to be kind and patient with myself. I had to give myself grace. Understanding that being fully medicated would take time was crucial. No matter what I had believed, it was always best to do what was right. Doing this would keep the ball rolling towards consistency, and that was what mattered more than anything.

I had to put the fear of missing out on things to the side. I needed to live in the moment for a while to be patient with myself. I understood that everything would be fine. I just needed to believe that things would turn out as I wanted for the right reasons. I realized I was missing more when I wasn’t taking care of myself. It or not have been about missing something. I realized it was crucial to take care of myself. By doing so, I live more in the moment.