For many years, I habitually stored up feelings. I did this about things that were long believed to be true. Still, these things were not always true. These feelings caused me to act inappropriately toward others. At times, my actions made me and others feel unsafe. That started the path towards the relapses over the past few years. It did not allow me to see things for what they actually are.

I had to look beyond the thoughts. I also had to ignore the person they surrounded, as these were not true. The thought resided in my brain for some time. It continued to linger there, even though I knew it was not true. When I saw moments that triggered me, I had to learn that they did not define who they were. Just as I had improved over the years, they too have done the same. They understand that the thoughts I was thinking are no longer valid. Those thoughts are not used in the way they once were. I had to start to rid myself of the residual thoughts. I was holding on to them unnecessarily. I needed to see the good in things. I had to realize that they are better than they ever have been.

It was also understanding that I had to learn where my seat was at the table. Part of that was realizing my needs would be met. I would be safe. I would be cared for. It was also knowing that I was an adult. I had some part of the bargain that I needed to uphold. There was also understanding. I had to let old feelings and thoughts go. I had to release them to the people who had seen those thoughts. I needed to learn that just like me, they too can improve their well-being. They deserve to have the same things that I have.

Just because I have past feelings from similar experiences does not mean they are mine to experience again. Sometimes it is also understanding that because that experience serves them well, I have to realize my experience was different. I need to know that it did not serve me the same. I must move on from it cordially, realizing that my life is mine to experience and love on my own. We are all different in our own way. Just because of what I experienced in the past is not what I experienced today. This does not give me the privilege to hold that over my or their head. It does not serve me in a healthy way.

I am slowly understanding that I have to move ahead with my life. I recognize the residual effects of the past. They were hurtful in their own ways. They no longer serve me as they once did. I am grateful that I do not have to return to the old ways. I no longer place the blame on others for things that are not their fault. Instead, I am doing the work that needs to be done. This is for me to improve myself and be better at the challenges in the here and now.