Over several years it has been difficult to find the right path to maturity. It certainly hasn’t been easy. Many times, my anxiety prevented me from understanding the facts of life. The reality is that there are responsibilities and expectations in life. They need to be followed for things to happen. If they do not, consequences can occur. I had to learn the hard way many times. Acting immature would only make things worse. Immaturity leads directly to receiving consequences for my actions.

I had to first understand that I do not have control over everything. I can’t always control the things I want to. I also have to understand this: when someone in an authoritative position gives me orders, I must follow them. Although I can make my case, there can be reasons for things. Those who know me well explain them. I must accept them for what they are.

I now know the reason for my immature state. I feel that I do not have control of what is going on. I also do not know if what is going to happen will go as planned. I am one that does not like uncertainty. Going through many changes has been very stressful. I have had to change the way that I do things over the past several years. This can cause an anxious reaction. At first, it can be new, scary, and unknown. I do not know or have control over how it will be. Still, in many changes, it will be fine.

Autistic people can be sensitive to changes in things they find comfortable. These changes can be unsettling or unfamiliar to them. As a result, it can be uncomfortable to accept and adjust to what needs to be done. When I get mature, I want to set an invisible target. I’ll focus on what my mind can feel about who or what is behind the change. I’ll continue until I am regulated and know that I will be OK. Once I understand what is happening and know that I will be safe, it becomes as if it never happened. But in those first moments, my anxiety kicks in. It wants to either avoid or react. It can be difficult to manage. Getting back to a regulated state requires it to be handled in the right way.

I have also discovered that platforms like YouTube can be a powerful tool. They help in finding personal entertainment, educational, and informational content. But, they can also host echolalia content that arrives in my brain later. In stressful moments, those scripts can come into play and be detrimental to my mental health. They can set me back, making it difficult to regroup in challenging moments.

Over time I have done better with myself and accepting change. I have necessary accommodations and support. They inform me as much as possible about upcoming changes. This way, I can be fully informed. The other reason has two aspects. I know that my anxiety and sensitivity to change affect me. Having the scripting come into play is just autism.

I am certain that things will only get better as time evolves. I will get a better understanding of the why and how of the maturity complex in my brain. This involves knowing all about change, anxiety, and echolalia. These are all parts of being the autistic person that I am.