Sometimes people are asked, What’s your Why? Why moves you to do what you do everyday? That has in the past been hard to figure out why. But through recent events this year, I have begun to know why I do what I do. I now see that things in place have a reason to be there. I am much better because of it.

Now I understand it is not about being selfish. It is also not about being selfless when joining others for activities or supporting them in times of need. It is not about allowing the world to revolve around me or always having my focus on what I need. Indeed there are times and places for that. But the over year and a half has been more of a focus on the family and my parents.

There were many moments when I only focused on things that seemed to meet my needs. Now, I have begun to focus on how to carry my own in the moment. That can mean sitting in a waiting room or next to a hospital bed. I cope in better ways than in the past. Yet, I am there for my family when they need me. It can be hard to make that shift, but for me, I began to think about “why am I here” or “what can I do to make things easier for everyone”

I had to learn that there were moments when I couldn’t focus on what I wanted. Instead, I needed to be available in other ways by being nearby. I supported in ways that were important to me. Sometimes that meant just sitting or waiting and being comfortable. More importantly, it begins to show my maturity. It demonstrates that I can do things that were once difficult for me.

My “why” is about proving what I can do by showing others. I want to prove that I am capable of doing more than what my brain will allow. I will do this by focusing on what is right and known to be my specialties and abilities. This continues to fuel my drive. I know what I need to do to be well. I want to prove that I can live independently and not fail. I led myself to doubt many times over the past several years.

It is often said that you never see anyone try as hard to do something as an autistic person. I have done that time and time again and continue to do so. When things are out of place, it is because you don’t have a “why.” You have to figure out what that “why” is. For me, I realized something important. Even those who would not have taken the same actions to stay well have helped me consistently. They have ensured my well-being. I don’t want to let them down, and that is my why.

It took me a long time to find that why. For that, I feel horrible in some ways. Maybe it is the destiny that has been set for myself. I have to believe that. I am in a much better place because others believe in me. Sometimes, they have more faith in me than I have in myself. I am inspired by them. That inspiration keeps me going throughout life.