There has been alot of discussion about the things that is bad about being autistic this year. As I have stated in the past there are alot of things that I would not chnage about me, but some of the things are things that can be brought on by anxiety and part of that is also the looping intrusive thoughts that can in turn cause scripting or echolalia. It can be one of the hardest things in my live that if I do not work in earnest to start to let go of and understand that it is just a part of who I am, that it could be a lot worse. Granted, these moments have gotten better over time in part that situations in my life have changed, but there are moments that are very difficult to bear at times because of these instances of behavior.

It is the part of being autistic that is one of the hardest and most agonizing. It can be the part that many don’t understand why an autistic person says things that just don’t make any sense. There is also a part of me that doesn’t understand why I think what i think the things that I think about even though what I think or say is no longer valid. It can be a traumatic response to things that happened in the past that has been residual and hard to let go of.

The reality is that I am safe and when I am doing what I need to do to take care of my mental health, that is what is best. But it is also up to me to push through those thoughts as hard as it is for me to do. To be very honest, these are some of the hardest moments of being autistic that I struggle with. But I know that I cannot make a mountain out of the mole hill that these thoughts bring to the brain. It is up to me to work past them by doing the things that I know will silence these thoughts and bring the relief that I expect to have.

When these thoughts are experienced, it can also bring a sense of anger as I just want them to go away and not be in my head because they are so bothersome as if they just won’t go away and they are at times all I can think about. Even if what I am thinking is not really what I think about someone or something, it could have been what I had thought about in the past that comes to light even as it is no longer true. Since that time because of the way that I was, behaviors have been exhibited, peace has been made and people have been forgiven and I know that bringing up this old stuff is not healthy in any way. I know that it is best to often push past what I am thinking and work towards being happy.

It takes being happy with myself and seeing the things that I am grateful and blessed to have in my life so that things can move in motion as best as they can. I have to know that what my brain is telling me that is of a looping and intrusive nature needs to be a closed door, let go of and moved away from no matter what it takes. It is by using whatever coping skills help and doing whatever it takes to rid myself of that thinking that is so hard for me to squelch and just make this very challenging side of being autistic go away.

In the end, they are just thoughts and I am beginning more and more to see that and even though it is challenging for me to withstand, I always know that I will break through them and they will subside until they come back again, but hopefully next time they will be squelched better than the last.