Overt the past year or so, I have begun to remember the past meltdowns that I have had. Some of them were pretty horrific. Some of them had the ability to not even happen. I began to see that they made me a monster that others became scared of. It also made me be seen as the person that I did not want others to see me. Deep down, I knew that I was better than the way that I was acting. In reality, I pursued senseless things. I believed I can force others to do things that made me feel comfortable.

Often when I would have a meltdown, it was because I did not feel I had control of a situation. Other times, I had bottled up what I was feeling. All it took was that one thing to set me off and go into meltdown mode. I felt that by having a meltdown would get me the attention and way that I wanted things. But what I eventually learned is that it only made things worse. I had to learn to let go of the idea that I had to control everything. This realization helped bring the comfort I wanted.

Even if I had wanted comfort, the way that I was expressing myself was not appropriate. It is often said that when an autistic person experiences behavior, it is a way of communication. I eventually understood that. I realized that I had to be straightforward with what I needed. I stopped dancing around what I lived in fear of saying.

There was also another reality that I had to start to be comfortable communicating honestly and openly what I needed. I wouldn’t always get what I wanted. But, I knew that I would make my point known. I had to learn something important. In all those instances, I was reacting negatively. Others saw me. They were either confused or didn’t like the way that I was acting. I began to see that behavior was unacceptable to be in that manner.

I feel regret for the way I acted towards many people. This happened when I was younger and not myself. Another part of me felt sorry that I never got to apologize. My actions caused strife in a situation, and some people had to leave my life. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Other times, it strengthens us for the next chapter. It makes us realize that things in that situation are no longer healthy for us. We learn to move on and become a better person because of the way things went. We learn that experiencing the issue is a struggle. The best way ahead is to work towards finding a better solution.

I have realized the impact of my meltdowns. They were hurtful not only to me but also to others around me. Others did not think I was that person. It was not the person who I knew I can be. I had to learn that there were expectations for the environment that I was in. I needed to realize that I control my emotions. This control would prevent them from evolving into meltdowns. There was no shame in needing to regulate myself. I needed to become the person I knew I had the potential to be.