For many years, I felt free to say just what I wanted. I reacted in ways that called attention to me. These actions did not make me feel like a good person. I had to understand that there are consequences for acting out in public in ways that were not appropriate. There are expectations to be met. I had to learn to cope in my own way behind closed doors.

I have had meltdowns in public many times. These incidents also occurred in places where I was not behind closed doors. By learning from each incident, I understood that negative behavior would not be tolerated. No one would accept such behavior. At first, I knew who would allow me to lash out at them. Others I knew firmly that was not something that was going to be tolerated. Expectations needed to be met. If they weren’t, there were consequences for any actions. I had to also learn to take responsibility for the actions that I caused towards others.

Eventually, through much understanding, I realized an important lesson. It is crucial to conduct myself in a professional manner, no matter the circumstances. Yes, I can be triggered by something, but it is up to me to regulate myself. Just acting out makes things worse on many levels. I also had to learn to stop my abusive behavior towards others as that is never okay.

Part of that is because I was not in the right mindset at the right time. Sometimes there was those that were more or so my guiding angels. They prompted me to do what I needed to do to regulate my emotions. They also were the ones that got me out of precarious situations. I eventually learned that I was on borrowed time with my volatility. It became clear I had to make things right once and for all.

Autistic traits vary from person to person. I understood that abusive behaviors are never okay. Meltdowns are never okay either. I had to learn to manage my emotions better than I was. There were also parts of me that I neglected at the time. That neglect contributed to me reacting in the horrific way that I did. I had to let go of the old ways of acting. I needed to learn better ways of regulating myself. I had to understand that I must do better by others. They knew I had the power to restrain myself when I needed to.

Eventually I learned that I had to follow the expectations that were needed to be met in public. I also knew there would be serious consequences if I didn’t. These consequences would affect the way I acted. I also had to understand that I couldn’t be verbally abusive to others. They knew that was not the real me. I had to let go of the old behaviors. I realized there was very little chance left to rectify myself from my illicit behavior. I had to learn to work to prevent the behaviors from occurring. I also realized that things I liked would end if I did not do what was right.