I think one misunderstood trait of being autistic is that we are all loners and prefer to be alone. But that is often not the case. Since I have been living on my own, I have wanted to be more connected. It is increasingly important to me to have connections with other human beings. Slowly I am making connections, but there is a part of me that wants more.

I want a connection that is not a paid, clinical, or mentored role. It should not involve any related role where there’s a paper or billable trail involved. Long since I was in other mental health services, I have wanted to have natural connections. I did that but not to the degree that I am totally satisfied with. I have friends that I connect with almost daily. Still, I want more of a natural feel and connection. It shouldn’t always be through a screen. I want someone in real life. Yes, I have connections, but they are not in the way that would be considered close friends.

A close friend is someone that you can connect with on a more personal level. Someone that is a true friend and not someone that you meet through a service or program. Someone that is not connected to other parts of my life like day services or work. Someone that can have the personal feel or bond that I have long been without. That feeling for connection that has long been missed. Yes, autistic people can want and crave those things too!

I am never too lonely to be estranged mentally. There are parts of me that believe things would be better for my mental health. I think it will improve if I were not alone so much. My family can only do so much. They are getting older. Things have been more complicated over the years, and I have been getting more and more alone time. It is not anyone’s fault; it has been the hand our family has been handed the past year or so.

There is willingness for me to want to connect on my part, but there at times can be anxiety too. There is the fear of being too vulnerable. There are also other things that I need to do to break the barriers I face. This way, many more doors can open to give me more opportunities. I know that meeting new people can be hard for me. It is challenging for many autistic people. I wish that sometimes others would be willing to extend the courtesy to get to know me more.

No two people are the same. There is a hard reality that people are not into what I am into or not into. I can be a good person if my mind allows me to be. I have worked so hard to take care of myself and become a better person. Many autistic people are looking for connection. We should not be shunned or discounted for our value. Sometimes it takes knowing our own worth. We must never give up on trying our best. We should focus on doing what we are destined to do.