I am beginning to realize that I am better with my feelings. This has not been an easy task to do. I spent hours in passive restraints. I engaged in screaming matches and bouts of vulgarity. Through these experiences, I learned that there are times and places for me to let my feelings out. There are also times and places where I have to respect the expectations that need to be met.

Throughout my adult life I had never seen a purpose to change how I acted towards others in my life. Things have changed over the past few years. I have experienced two mental health relapses. These relapses resulted from making pointless and destructive decisions. Seeing how concerned everyone was for my well-being made me want to change. They are still concerned today. I had the right to have feelings. I just had to express them appropriately. They should not be directed towards others. This had been a negative trait in me for too long.

I saw the effects of the damages that I caused over two years. This realization made me understand that I had to start doing the right things for myself. Even if I didn’t think they were right, it was necessary. Literal signs began to cross my path. They indicated that I had to start making things right. My old behavior was no longer acceptable. There were times, places, and ways to explain how I was feeling. I just had to do the work that I had put off for a very long time. I had to let go of all the negative energy that was also holding me back too.

It can be hard to mature and do what is right, even if we don’t feel like we should. For me, I was tired of battling battles that I was not going to win and seemed redundant. I had to let go of the bitterness and hatred I had towards others. Part of that was accepting that if things were going to change, they had to change by my own doing.

There has been countless times that I was not my best self. I learned that many of those times that was untreated mental health diagnosis’s doing their work because they were untreated. Everyone was seeing it and I was lashing out at them. It was hurting them and me. I saw it communicated to me in literal language. I realized that I was fighting my disease ineffectively. The only way to win was by taking care of it the right way.

I had to start listening to what others were telling me. I needed to use the tools that were given to me. These tools included my mental health medication. It was helping me more than what I allowed myself to believe. Through it, my emotional health was better managed. While I would experience bouts of different emotions, they were in no way like they were in the past. I began to realize that by consistently doing the right things, I greatly improve myself. This change would help me move on and make my life better.