It can be hard to believe that I even made the decisions that I made nearly 7 years ago. Sometimes things happen. But when they become habitual, you draw concern to those who oversee your actions. You would think that you would stop. You would expect to stop in such situations. But more and more the illnesses were doing their work. It was making me believe that everyone was against me and I was the only one that knew everything. It was the illness and not me that had control.

For several years I had believed that I would be fine when I was not taking my medication. Little did I know that was the illness. From my biggest relapse in 2023 to my second relapse in 2024, I would still have moments of uncertainty. I hated the most having to recover from my manic highs. Eventually I came to terms with the reality that I was not winning by not taking my medication.

Eventually this past summer, I had a kidney infection and it put me down for some time. Understanding through small signs, I realized when I was not myself. This realization allowed me to see that the benefits outweighed the risks. I would be sleeping a lot. It was the perfect time to get under control once and for all.

I had come to terms with needing medication. There was no shame in that. It was necessary to have the quality of life that I wanted. While the first several weeks were difficult, over time I stayed up throughout the day. I had a routine for each type of scenario. I went through these scenarios and did what I needed to do. I made it a habit by using a habit tracker. I needed to take the medication that I had long been struggling with. I also needed to go to sleep each evening. I focused on sleeping as productively as I was capable.

I began to see the happiness that I once had before I had moved on my own. It took some time to get back to things that I used to enjoy. I found even more things that made me happy. This brought the happiness that I needed. I continued to learn and grow from the mistakes that I learned from. I learned how important it was to take my medication no matter what. If I feel extra tired, I know I need more sleep. If I can, I take the time for it. I have seen the value of both medication and sleep in my life. My life was starting to come together from where it had been several years ago.

Life is full of ups and downs. I had to learn that they are better managed with medication. I realized that taking medication is normal and acceptable. It helps me take care of myself. This ensures I have the best quality of life possible. I seen that I had a life that was worth continuing and worth living.