Throughout my life I have had to make some decisions that were not always in my best interest. Sometimes they hurt me really bad. Other times I really didn’t comprehend what I was doing. I had to learn an important lesson. Sometimes, I have to make decisions that are in my best interest. I need to trust my own judgment. I should not listen to what others tell me. Deep down, I know what is right for me.

Often times the decisions that an autistic person makes is discounted. This can be for various reasons. I was often discredited or disbelieved in certain things. This happened because I was not taking the necessary steps to care for my mental health. It all started when I was 15. I had signed myself out of the psychiatric hospital due to peer pressure. That was probably one of the biggest decisions that I had to pay the price for. It hurts me inside when I still think about things. They have to happen the way they do because of that silly decision over 25 years ago.

In hindsight, I had defied odds during the past six or so years of my independence. Eventually, I realized how important it was to take my medications as prescribed, no matter what. I had not made wise decisions for most of that time and others seen it. When they pointed out my unusual behavior, I felt anger toward them. I thought they were ‘ganging’ up on me. Little did I know that they did it out of care and concern.

Nonetheless, it makes the idea of making my own decisions even more difficult. I often feel like I am under a constant microscope because of my past ways. I know that it will take time to earn the trust back that I lost. Still, it hurts at times to feel stuck. I often feel like a little kid if I want to make a decision. Making a choice that is ‘against the grain’ of what is expected can be difficult. It feels like they are discrediting what I am thinking. It’s like them saying ‘oh it’s just your anxiety again.’ or ‘Oh, you’ll be fine.’ In reality, I know that I am an adult. At times, I feel like a childish self because of all the years that I was not myself. I, more than anyone, know how much I have paid the price for what I have done. Now, I must work hard. I need people to believe me. I want to do things for the right reasons.

I work hard at doing things for the right reasons. I also worry about what those closest to me would think. I fear their reaction if I tell them about the ideas of things I want to do. When they decline because they believe it’s best for me, it feels like a punch to the gut. My ideas feel challenged and dismissed. It makes me feel like a child. Sometimes, I do things that are childish in nature because of my past challenges.

I am hopeful that someday I can work in earnest. I want to prove to others that I have the mental stability. I had this stability in the past. It has been a long road over the past several years. I have not always made decisions that were in my best interest. Eventually, I learned what was right for me in the end.