Throughout life we have moods. I am an autistic person, and if they are not reeled in and regulated, they can be overwhelming. They can also be detrimental to me and those around me. I have had to learn to let go of my old ways of not coming out of the moods positively. Instead, I work more towards regulating myself in a healthy manner.

Oftentimes in the past I would want to fight verbal fire with verbal fire. Those I loved were often the casualty of that. It would get to the point that it was terrorizing, toxic, and even threatening. I didn’t understand my ability to channel my feelings or moods in a healthier way. This was the culprit behind the behavior. Those who loved me had no more energy to give when I acted that way. It took until then for me to realize the impact of my actions. I had to make the changes towards not only being aware of my moods but also regulating them too.

There are countless ways I have learned over the years. I use them to calm myself after a verbal shouting match. This is especially true when I am energetic and want to match the energy in the room. Eventually, those that loved me realized that, but there was always the potential that it would happen with others. It was also irritating when I didn’t get the response I desired. I didn’t get the attention I wanted. I learned that I had to communicate my struggles openly, appropriately, and honestly. I needed to avoid verbally terrorizing behavior. This would prevent me from receiving the lashing that resulted from my toxic and threatening actions. I realized that such behavior towards those outside my loved ones was unacceptable. Acting that way have some very drastic consequences.

Words like toxic, threatening, and terrorizing made it seem horrifying to treat someone that way. This is especially true for those I loved and who supported me time and time again. They noticed things about me that I didn’t even say. I realized I had to work towards making a change. It was not only for them but also for me and the many others that crossed my path.

Finding ways to regulate has been an effort of trial and error. I am getting better at it. I am learning what works versus what does not work. I do things that I have known I needed to do all along. In the past, I did not do them. I wanted to match the energy in the room. I should have done the right thing. In the end, it paid off by doing what was needed. I am slowly overcoming my struggles. I am doing this in a better way than I did in the past.

I am becoming increasingly aware of the need to stay regulated when triggering moments arise. I can control how I react to those moments. Still, it is a work in progress. I must continue to be aware of caring for myself in the ways I need to.