For about a decade, there has been moments when I did not take my medication as prescribed. I had begun to see the side effects of not taking the medication. The side effects brought a thrill that I started to experience. What I did not know was that it was the sickness being what it was. The battle intensified as I lived on my own. Eventually, I noticed that those close to me can tell when I was not taking my medication. They observed I was leaning towards a relapse.

In fact in the past two years I had made some pretty destructive decisions. I knew that those who loved me cared about me. They addressed what they saw. Still, I brushed it off as lies. I told them fabricated stories. They became concerned and eventually I crashed and burned, bringing many others to concern. Getting back on track was a struggle. I struggled until I saw that even at the smallest moments of not caring for myself, they noticed.

Things happen. But there was also the reality that I had to accept what was. I had to take my medication even when I was tired. This was necessary for it to do its work. I had to accept that it did more than put me to sleep. It helped me sleep among do other things that I needed to have a good quality of life. The life that I deserved. The reality was when I was not taking my medication, I experienced the typical symptoms of my illness. I was hiding things. Yet, those who loved me, cared for me, and were around me can see through the lies I was producing.

I had to let go of my former beliefs. I had thought I was getting away with doing what seemed right. Instead, I realized that there were benefits to taking care of myself. No matter what it took, it had to be done. It was just the way that it was. It did not have seemed typical in nature to many. But, it was a part of me. I had to accept the reality for what it was. I was tired of fighting battles. Although I deceive myself about the questions asked of me, I began to take them seriously. I knew they asked because they saw something out of place and cared.

It hurt to be honest. In the end, it was worth it. I eventually discovered that I was no longer incapable of deceiving myself about what was really going on. I was hurting many people with my pointless and destructive behavior. It was just as challenging to get back on track. I had to learn to stop the deceitful acts. I was playing because I noticed that others were seeing it. They noticed even the smallest infractions. It was the drive to start doing what was right once and for all. Although it was challenging, in the end, I saw the benefits it provided. There were also fewer nagging questions that I did not like to hear. I had to remove the old toxic behavior. I needed to embrace new habits for good. When I did that, things got so much better.