There have been times when I have overheard the comments and stares after becoming dysregulated in public. The truth is they are often the points that want me to do better at conducting myself in public and being the person that I know that I can be. It can be when we feel elevated in nature that we lose the skills that we work for the hardest. Yet, I continue to push through the hard moments and be the best that I can be.

When I would be in a meltdown where others could see me reacting differently, I would become so ashamed, especially when others knew me as a totally different person. I would have a hard time explaining to them the way I was acting and was quite ashamed that they had to see me that way.

Likewise when a stranger would stare and say something mean it would hurt me just as much because I had felt that it was unfair that I was being seen in the derogatory way that they were putting me in. Deep down I knew that I am not a bad person. Sometimes we have bad days. But I was regressing because I had fallen into old unhealthy habits that did not yield good results no matter how much I had faith that it would. I finally seen that it was hurting me more than helping me.

In the right mind I know how to conduct myself in the places that I need to go. There are rules, understandings and expectations that need to be followed and if they are not met, then there will be consequences and discussions that I do not like to have. It took me having to have the questions that I did not like to hear but they knew when I was not my best self to remember how important it was to take care of myself to avoid the severity of the meltdowns that I was experiencing over the past few years.

I had to let go of the flawed thoughts that I had about my mental health treatment and listen to what both my family and treatment team was telling me all along. I had to do what was right once and for all and partly with the help of my body I was able to get back on track and start to be able to better manage myself by understanding that there are just things that have to be done to lessen the severity of meltdowns and the stares or comments from happening.

The people that I often do the hard work for when I don’t have the spark to do within myself is those that saw me at my worst. I never wanted to get to that point again in my life and have been and will continue to be the best that I can be, so I no longer have to be prone to the stares and comments that I have experienced.