Many times throughout the life that I have, when I or someone reacts to me negatively or there is a desire to get my point across, I want to look for a reaction to what I am feeling as if they are going to solve my problem without me learning that I may need to take a step back from the situation and relax before responding to the issues that are bothering me. I began to see that when others do not match the energy in the room that I am the person that has a high energy about something and need to bring down me tone.

There have been moments where outside the safety of family or myself that I have not been myself. This has been from not taking care of my mental health in ways more than medication. I never wanted to admit that I had an issue with caffeine, even though the experts had said that it was something that I should not have in high amounts, yet I drank it. On the days when I had way too much, I was really my worst and that at first taught me not to have tea anymore, then the need for decaffeinated soda came later.

I have always wanted people to react to what I was feeling. My mother was often a primary target, and this made things very challenging for us at times. I wanted others to react as a way of them getting the fact that I was feeling the way that I was without just communicating what I was feeling or what was wrong. It is slowly getting better when it comes to learning to tell someone about the issues that I am experiencing rather than try to get their attention by having a reaction as if that will be a sudden fix to what is going on.

I had to learn on top of taking care of my mental health that when I react negatively towards others, that others do not have to match the energy that I am experiencing. When they do not it only makes me more frustrated, and it is best to just sit down and talk out what I am struggling with rather than just be all reactive in nature and make me look foolish in front of those that I may not want to see me as.

It can seem like no one understands you when you don’t use all that energy to get your point across. To some point that is true. In my case, they are seeing the person that can have it all together and tell them what is wrong because they have seen it happen. Just because I am triggered by something does not give me an excuse to react and be mean to others just out of a way of expressing my feelings. I am working towards finding better ways at coping with situations when my mood dictates the need to properly regulate, not in the ways of the past.