Battling many things while working for a healthier self can be challenging. There can be a desire to give in to the old ways along with strive for perfection. It can also cause self-sabotage when it comes to those moments when you are not your best. But you can’t change anything about them. All you can do is move forward, look at it as a lesson learned and move on.

Knowing that the signs had arrived and the dangers that could be faced by me not caring for my overall health by them coming in subtle signs that were also irritating, it was proving that I had to work at no longer creating a battle that didn’t need to be created. For years, I had been asked if I had been taking care of myself because others saw something that wasn’t right for me. I ignored their cautious tone because I was in a very unwell state and did not want to face the truth or pay the price that had to be paid. Ultimately it became a reality that I had to face my demons once and for all.

I had fought my demons many times, but the cycle often repeated itself and I was often back to where I started. But when there were signs that made things more difficult, I knew I had to give up the charades I was playing and stop living the false lies that I was leading others on, because they knew I was not myself and eventually it proved itself that I was not eating the right food either. I had to make the change and control myself to do what I need to do no matter what it took.

I finally understood that I had to do the hard stuff that I had to control what I needed to do to work towards being healthier. Consistent medication, only putting so much soda in the fridge, drinking more water, using the restroom at regular intervals, all things that I knew, but was lazy because I was not well and liked that. But what I didn’t realize then was that I was unproductive because of all the time it took to build up the energy to be the self that others needed to be.

When I was sick a few months ago, it, along with other signs that I saw the weekend before were signs that I needed to see that I had to do something or something bad was going to happen to me. Something bad did happen. I got a kidney infection that laid me up for a few days, but I was also able to get my mental health on track too and by the time I was able to go back to work I was a much better man.

I know that I have repeated the cycle over and over again through the past several years but there have been more subtle signs that I need to start doing more of what is right versus what is not. I have to make what is right for me once and for all and I see that others see myself when I am not myself. They may not say it sometimes, but they know. That was the catalyst that I had to see that made the change that I needed to have to start doing right.