For so many years my mood has been up and down. Sometimes it was my fault and sometimes it was my circumstances being what they were. I now understand that taking care of my mental health is important. I need to do what is necessary. This way, I can be my best self every day. This understanding comes despite years of having flawed thoughts that convinced me otherwise.

Each missed dose of medication over the past seven years led to paths of pointless and destructive decisions. There were times I acted without thinking. This made it harder to get back on track. I relapsed twice and ultimately came to terms with the fact that medication adherence was a necessity. That I deserved to be my best self-every day. I deserved to thrive and not just survive each day. I should not be the unpredictable person who lash out or react deeply. This happened because I did not take care of myself.

Through it all, I had many behaviors that were dangerous. I had sleepless nights and so much more. I was often faking my way through life. I now know that others were seeing the way I was. They couldn’t do anything until I crashed and burned. I was reluctant to be honest and ask for help out of fear. I feared being retaliated against for not doing what I had known all along was right.

I eventually learned that it was necessary to take care of myself once and for all. I needed to get back on track and continue to do what was right. I deserve to be my best every day. I finally realized that what I was thinking was flawed and pointless. It was destructive too. I was continuing to hurt myself in the process. Nothing would have improved if I had not taken the initiative. I had to make things better and get out of the storms I was facing. I was battling a battle that I often kept to myself. I deserved to be my best. I had to work day in and day out to stay well while living independently. It would demand effort on my part but in the end, I knew it was worth it.

I discovered something in all common sense. It would be no different than when I lived with my parents. This was before I fooled around with my medicine. Yes, there was some early hatred towards them making me go to bed. Yet, with quiet hours at my apartment, I realized humans needed to do this. They need to sleep and take care of themselves. Many years ago, when I lived independently, I did not recognize the need to care for my mental health. This lack of awareness set me in the state that I was in for so long. Now, I know the importance of caring for my mental health. I am continuing to find ways to improve it with the help of others, like day services for example.

Ultimately, I learned to make necessary changes for my mental well-being. I understood that I too deserve to be at my best every day. This is true regardless of the circumstances that I have to face in the outside world. I never know what is going to happen out there and it is often not made for me. There have been times this year when I have been grateful for taking care of myself. I know that if I hadn’t done so, things would have been a lot worse.