My journey has been a long road to get where I am today. For the longest time I have wanted to hide who I was and the challenges that I have experienced. While I am not completely open with myself in all realms the fact that I can sit here behind the guise of my blog is one thing, but to navigate the world that is often not built up to my needs is another thing when it comes to experiencing the challenges that I experience along with not being someone who I am not or pretending that I am not disabled when in fact I am.

I am in the places that I am for the reasons that I am, because I am disabled. There is no getting around it and while I often wanted to fit in with others just because they were able to exist in a way that seemed normal to me, it was becoming more of a hardship on me as time went on becuase I had the expectation that I would be able to do things that I knew deep down that I could not.

Life has been challenging for me; there is no lie about that. But these days are better than what has been experienced for a long time, but I had the hardest time accepting that some things could be harder for me because of being autistic or having co-occurring challenges that makes life harder for me.

Being autistic was something that I did not want to accept as a disability because it is something that can’t be blatantly seen from a distance. While you come close to me you can realize the mannerisms that I carry are indeed that of an autistic person if you know the traits well, I often believe that others will not presume the competence that I have and discount me for the talented individual that I am.

Because the judgment of others weighs heavily on my mind when I interact with others. It is often difficult to come out with allowing others let alone myself to admit that I do have a disability or that I use it when I need to because of others presuming that I can do things, that I am lazy or in the same token that they downplay my ability to be as talented as I am because of what is being presumed or told to them and me having to come forward being vulnerable to be understood can present a greater fear of being rejected rather than accepted for who I am.

I am starting to learn that it is OK to speak up and not everyone is going to be willing to accept the fact that I am different from what the world believes that I should fit in. No on is the same and even though I have my challenges there should be no shame in wanting to get help or being afraid to do so when I need it. There are things out there for me and to help me and therefore I need to be more open when I need to advocate for the things that I need in order to have the best quality of life that I can have. Because I know if I do not, I am only hurting myself in the process and delaying my ability to extend myself to those that may want to care for and be there for me more than what I am able to see and know.