It is indeed a dynamic change in Mother’s Days than in any year in many years. In fact, it is Mother’s Day that I recognize the fact that I must do what I can for myself as she returns the favor by caring for my father after he has been away for a year due to his injury. While we have had many disagreements and arguments, she is the one that is able to reason and be there at times with unwavering love even when there is little to give.

For much of my life, I have not always been kind to my mother. Growing up I would become physically aggressive with her taking the brunt of the assaults that I would deliver when I was angry. It would be out of both her and my safety that she would have to make the difficult decision to place me in a residential treatment facility when I was fifteen for nine months. Even after that, there were still numerous moments where I would physically lash out at my mother when I was experiencing behaviors. After the physical abuse waned off, then it became a brutal fury of verbally aggressive statements inflicting passive suicidal thoughts or threatening statements that were very toxic and terrorizing towards her.

It was until a few weeks ago until I seen those words…threatening, toxic, terrorizing. Those were awful words to describe what I was doing to the person that gave birth to me and would do whatever it takes to ensure that I got that I was needed and safe. As many times as I would be verbally brutal towards her, she always came back to support me, even when there was no reason to. There were times when she could have had law enforcement remove me and have everything go away from my life without realizing it.

It is often in a brain like me that we do not think about what we say before it passes our lips. When it registers in our brain that what we said was hurtful and damaging, we feel horrified to the point that we are sick at our stomach and at times apologize for the actions that we performed. But one thing that has stuck in me as an autistic man that is near forty is that what if there is no more forgiveness to give, even if it is the right thing to do? There are those that have to build a boundary around those that are damaging their mental faculties and as such there comes the point that family too has to build that boundary so they can do what is necessary to take care of themselves and those that they need to care for too.

I believe that I have had that epiphany in my life where I have realized that there are indeed consequences for my actions and as hard as it can be sometimes to keep my comments and feelings to myself, there is a reality that things in the outside world can be quite dangerous if the wrong things are said or done that can have some pretty horrifying consequences that would only make my life worse. I believe that my mother has been the one to not only teach and reassure that constantly but also be there to nurture me when she is able to do so. It is now that I realize that I must be kind to her now more than ever.