Being autistic can cause things to be amplified. Having certain thoughts is no exception. What is important is that they are not acted upon. Many times, in my life, I have said thoughts to those that I love the most that would shock any other common person that I would know, but a month ago, I have made a pact to work past actually saying certain things that are hurtful and damaging, especially to those that I love.

Albeit the past year I have experienced a lot of things that are hard for anyone, let alone for someone such as me that is autistic and has mental health challenges is nothing shy of a miracle. Life has handed me a situation last year that while my life is intact, it is not for my father and has turned not only his life, but those around him upside down. On top of all of that, I was adding fuel to the fire by being passive about thoughts that were not appropriate or if taken seriously could have thought that I was in danger to myself.

While all along I had known that saying these thoughts to those that didn’t need to hear it was not only hurtful to them, but was not something that they needed to have on top of their plate, I was often putting my feelings and needs first as if I was the only one experiencing the pain of having to deal with things that were uncomfortable to me or that I just didn’t want to deal with because they were inconvenient to me for one reason or another.

Sometimes life gives us things that are hard to handle, there is no doubt in that. While I was tough when my father had his injury and all the weeks after when he was moved about, then placed in the county home only to nearly die, then hospitalized before getting the care he truly needed two months later which resulted in visits twice a week to the veteran’s facility over an hour away from home, it would be my time to be angry because I was not getting the attention that I felt I needed to have. I didn’t like doing things that I didn’t want to do or hear and see things that were reality, but they happened.

Eventually, about a month ago, there was the reality that my father would be returning home and my mother, the one I clinged to for the majority of my life would become his caregiver. I had a hard time accepting that and wanted to do anything to not make it happen, but I also understood the sacrifices that my father made for me many years ago and his wishes that he had for me that I was unwilling to understand for the longest time, with me needing to be a part of that reality to make his transition home, I have accepted it for what it is that I needed to embrace the change along with work away from those nasty passive thoughts that I was experiencing because they were in no way true and they were only hurting those that I loved the most.

Sometimes things happen that allow you to see that you have to pay the favor back to those that stood up or did things for you in the times when you did not see it or was not grateful for what they did when they only want things that are basic rights and make you make a sacrifice for them to be happy, in the end it is worth it and has made me see that I needed to stop making hurtful statements about myself.