There is still a part of me that at times lives in an immature world. I guess we all live in that way sometimes. But sometimes I take my immaturity out of the limits of where it needs to be and as a result it can be overwhelming to those I love the most because they are the only ones I act that way to when they know that there should be a more mature version of me.

It can be because I am trapped in this sort of vacuum because of living with my loved ones for so long that I have a difficult time delineating from the fact that I need to be mature around those that I love just as equally as those I interact with in the outside world. There is often a codependency between me and those that love me that we often feed off of each other to the point that when we are not in a good spot we keep fueling the communication to make things only worse.

I know I can be a mature person if I want to be. Sometimes it is difficult to do because I want to sympathize with someone who I believe will listen to me but in turn they will make me see the reality of the situation which I know is what I don’t want to hear but is the right thing to do, even if I don’t want to do it. Doing what we need to do even if we don’t see it is part of being mature and as much as it can be to be rebellious, we won’t realize the effects until later, at which point those that love me will react with that they told me so.

Maturity is something that I have learned so much about over the years because it became necessary. It has molded me more into the employee that I need to be even when I don’t want to be, but I know the reality of doing so and the benefits it can provide me, even if I don’t realize them at the very moment, it can be easy to give in as a result of being immature, but my loved ones make me see the reality of doing the right thing by going to work and day service when my fear wants me to avoid it because they know that is just who I am and while it is being immature, they know that once I am on my way, I will be the mature person that I need to be.

Deep down I know that I am more mature than what I allow myself to believe and if I had given the power to transfer that ability to when I was with my loved ones instead of always being the one to be negative and call out all my faults or complain about everything like I was a little kid that didn’t get his way, I know that things would get better within time if I was patient with myself and gave myself some grace in the process.

In the end, it is doing just that, being patient with myself and giving myself the grace and compassion that I need to have for myself and just being the same person with those I love as I am with anyone that I interact with in the public. It is doing what is right for me even if I do not see it and think that I want to be selfish, being the better person is better than being immature and wanting to be childish.