Throughout my life, the hardest part of doing new things is taking the first step. It can be the hardest part for someone to understand but from what I see  many autistic people experience this also, letting me know that I am not alone in the venture of taking the first step when doing new things. It is just a part of the process of doing new things.

There have been a few things in my life that I have been unsuccessful at. But there is always the fear of failure or the worst possible scenario happening when it comes to doing things that are unfamiliar to me. It can seem difficult to some that something new to me can be so difficult when it is so simple. I can make so important out of doing something that can seem so simple because of my fear.

Taking that first step can be the worst part of it. It is what holds me back from doing the things that are unknown to me. It holds me back from doing the things that could provide m a better quality of life, even the things that are proven to be able to be done. I have done them before, but my anxiety holds me back from taking those initial steps to doing them because of my fear of something going bad and not being able to do it anymore.

I know that there are things that I have to do to have a better quality of life but in the same vein there have been many times that my anxiety and fear of taking the initiative of doing what is necessary holds me back out of fear of failure. It is not that I know that I can do it, it is the fear of failure and the fear of causing damage and reacting negatively towards others that holds me back from doing what is necessary for a better future. I know I need to do it, but my fear will often override what is necessary for a better future because I can only feel and see the fear and not the opportunity of doing it will provide.

Then there is the doubt of being qualified to do things because I was given a pass for certain reasons when working to be qualified to do them, even though I have been reassured that is not the case. I at times feel as if I didn’t deserve certain things even though I worked hard to have them and realize that it took a lot of hard work to get the qualification to only let it go to waste because I am letting my anxiety and fear of taking that initial step hold me back. I am smarter than what I think and know that I can do anything that I can put my mind to if I allow myself to do it.

It is being brave and taking that initiative and just doing what I need to do to get back to where I left myself off in the first place by doing what I need to do to affirm my place in the world knowing that I am strong and can do it if I take care of myself, believe in myself and put my fears aside and see the potential benefits of taking that first step towards that challenge instead of always blocking myself from doing what feels uncomfortable.