It is surprising to say that I am in a better position mentally than what I have been for some time. It can even be hard to echo that to myself. As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog post, it has been a long way in bouncing back from what has seemed like a forever journey to finally understand that I should have never altered the way that I needed to care for my mental health since I moved out on my own.

I know that I am in a better position because I have been through so much the past six years, and I am starting to realize that everything negative in my life has surrounded the fact that I was not caring for myself in the way that I needed to. When I moved out on my own, I didn’t really first pay attention to what I was doing and became very unstable and as I now know, it eventually all crashes down in one way or another.

As many times I tried to pick up the pieces and move on from those bad crash and falls, I couldn’t see the reason to do it. Even after closing the chapter on my first apartment and moving back with my parents for a while before getting to my current apartment, I could never just pick up the pieces and see that things were in place for a reason.

It didn’t matter how many times I knew that I wasn’t my best self, I just was surviving day to day on and off of my medication regimen, not realizing that I was continuing to hurt myself deeper each time. I could not see reality and even in the past year or so as some pretty big changes were made in my life, in secret I wanted to blame those behind it because I held on to the residual feelings from when I wasn’t happy about the way things used to be and letting go of what I thought was better without seeing that things in their current form were much better for me and that I could expand my opportunities for doing so.

In reality, I now see that I would happen sometime in my life anyway, so it is best that it happened the way that it did. I also learned that I had to let go of all that negative energy that I was entertaining that kept me from enjoying my life so much more than I was. I also couldn’t see that all but a few of my meltdowns at day services involved this factor that I was unwilling to let go and see that they way that it was changed to was so much more beneficial than I was seeing that it was. It was a big part in allowing me to be in a better position than I had been in. I also know that it was more intense when I was not taking care of my mental health too.

Life has been challenging for the past several years and I have crashed and burned mor times than I can think of. But I know one thing for sure, most of them have involved when I was not taking care of my mental health. I am grateful for the many people who have helped me redirect from those worst points of the past six years that I now hope to move forward from.