For a very long time, I felt down and sad about myself. I often wanted others to feel guilty or sad about me or that I was the only one in the world that had issues. I wanted others to feel the feelings that I was experiencing, whether that was anger and frustration, disgust or any other feeling that crossed my path. Part of that was wanting to control everything so it benefitted myself and not what others experienced.

I often felt that my needs should always be met first and foremost and because I had such a likeable personality, those that could make decisions in that favor, often did. But when things couldn’t be done in my favor, it wanted to let anyone who I thought had power, influence or the ability to listen feel what I was feeling. It was often me feeling the feelings I felt without understanding that certain things in my life were just out of my control.

Granted, I have had my meltdowns when I have not felt that my needs were met, or something involved a change to my routine that I did not enjoy or prefer. I wanted others to change things for me without realizing that I had to sometimes accept things for whatever reason they were. This was where practicing radical acceptance became a great part of my life. As much as I wanted to change everything or have influence or power over something based on what I felt or wanted, I had to understand that some things just couldn’t be.

Unfortunately, in some cases, it became too late to do that and with other factors, this resulted in bad meltdowns in public but with others that I knew. It spiraled me out of control, but within that were some of the best saving graces that I needed to have at the time to make me stronger. The newly hired staff at day services, my psychotherapist having a medical emergency the same weekend, through it all, falling made me stronger and even though it saw changes to a point where it was until recently that I began to fully accept. I realized that by my narrow thinking, inability to change and other factors made me see how I was seeing others in a different light that for me to this day is still taking time to rebuild the fragmented relationship that I have had for over many years.

Overall, I no longer see myself as the poor me because I know that there are things that I cannot control. I have learned that I must work at living my own life, focusing on what I control versus what I cannot control. It is being able to make sounder decisions that allow me to be the person that I need to be and not someone who has been the person in my past. Some of those experiences have also taught me about making other changes to ensure I never act in the way that I once did ever again. As life has long been a learning experience, there have been some divine intervention over the years to allow me to see that I need to be not only a better person but someone who can lead by example by being able to control myself in situations that I cannot control.