Continuing from yesterday’ blog post where I had felt that I never allowed myself to be the genuine person that I am that is autistic when many times, even when I am free to do so am trying to be someone that hides his quirks from even myself except when they are at times hurtful things without realizing that I can also let out the good parts of me too.

It can seem strange when I am in my own world that I can truly be the person that I really am without fear of retaliation or correction from others. For most of my life, I have lived a life where I was expected to fall into social norms, understand them and fall into line with the rest of the world, and for the most part, that has carried on into my own world without understanding that it is perfectly acceptable to be myself when it is safe to do so.

For so many years of my independent life, I have been teetering and tottering with my mental health that many times I was never in my best element and as a result I was always walking on eggshells wondering if someone was going to say something about me. Part of me accepting the fact that I do need to take medication to ease off the edges and have the quality of life that I desire and others know me is the fact that if I am indeed taking care of my mental health in the way that I need to, including consistently adhering to my medication requirements, then there should be no need to walk on eggshells.

Since I have gotten my life on track, things are easier for me, and I understand that more as time goes on. But through all these lessons, I have had a hard time understanding that it is OK to let loose a little bit and breathe easier at who I really am as an autistic person when it is appropriate to do so. Not everything is perfect when it comes to being the person that I am but understanding that there are times when social expectations and obligations do need to be met and that at those points, I will have to utilize the skills that I was taught.

But there are times and places when it is perfectly acceptable to loosen up a bit because people know me more and understand me for the diagnosis and the challenges that I have with some things. There are more times when I need to do things to cope or exist in a world where it is often not built for my needs. However, in my own world, I should not feel constricted to hold back from the things that autism causes me to do if I am properly caring for myself in the way that I need to and adhering to what I need to stay and be well.

As time goes on, I will eventually be more at ease about myself, understanding that being autistic is OK and that I am who I am, even though for the longest time, I have believed that I was broken, different or challenging. But as time has gone by, I totally understand the tough climb that I have had to get to this point in my life and be doing it for so long. That life is perfectly acceptable for me and has been good for me and I need to be proud of myself for once instead of constantly feeling down and out for my challenges.