When visiting with my father last week in the veterans’ care facility, I had said my usual quirks and remarks to my father. It was not as hurtful in a way, but it was brought to my father’s attention that it is just who I am and at that point I realized that I must work around the autism and not try to control every maneuver that happens. There is indeed some requirement to follow expectations, however there are going to be those moments when it is ’just who I am.’

 It can be frustrating when others, even if it is my parents, must explain that something happens just because it is who I am and a quirk that I have. And as much as it can anger people, including family members, that I do not follow the expectations that are oftentimes expected as social norms, there are just things that are a part of me being autistic that are not going to change.

For the longest time, I think both I and those close to me have wanted me to fall into the societal norm, and I have done quite well at doing that. However, there are times when I just want to loosen up a bit and there are times and places to do that when I can be my authentic self and not have to autistically mask. But there are some things that are never going to change about me and the longer I think I can change some things about my quirks and mannerisms, I am only doing a disservice to myself and hurting myself even more.

It is revealing that at this point in my life my parents have mostly accepted me for my challenges and quirks when for so long there has been so much of a push to make me fall in line with what society expects of human beings. As there is more of a prevalence of not only awareness but also acceptance of autism, it can be hard to believe that there are times when I can loosen up from being so stiff and being expected to fall in line with those that I have been the closest with for so long.

In a way it seems unreal that we have gotten to a point where autism is being more accepted for what it is. Even though we have a way to go, there is some relief that things are being made to be more conducive to the autistic population. But for some of the closest family members to finally make it known that ‘I am just the way that I am’ was something of a big step and that even as they are more accepting of my quirks instead of constantly trying to fix things, as have been so many years of my life.

I am ready to be more ready to move forward from always wanting to fix things to accepting them for what they are. For too long, I have walked on eggshells thinking at every moment that I have to put on a persona and now I understand more about the reality that things are going to be just what they are going to be, whether I like them or not, I cannot change them.