Sometimes, there are ruminative thoughts that appear in my headspace that really should not be there. They are logical in nature, but in the grand scheme of things, they shouldn’t really matter or concern me, but for some reason they become a huge focus of what I think about when there are so many other things that matter in the world that could take more of a precedence than worrying about things that are out of my control.

As much as I want to have control over a situation because it makes me comfortable, there is a reality and understanding that things are just not going to be the way that I think they should be or that I have such an embedded history with something that it can be hard to let go of something, even if it doesn’t exist in the way that it does anymore. It could have even been unhealthy although I could not see it in that way, but I still hold on as it provides some comfort because it is something that has been long there and reputable, even though it is long gone.

So, why does it matter? Why should it matter? Why should it take all this time in my brain and exert this useless added energy that I do not need? I now know that it does and that I need to work at combatting it rather than ruminating with it for an extended period. Having the related scripts that come with it are not doing anything to help my mental health and are more detrimental to me than what the grand scheme of things is. Of all the time in the week that it involves, why do I invest so much energy into it? There are a million things that I could think about than the things that get me worked up by building feelings that I otherwise do not need.

In my right mind, I need to reassure myself that I am safe, will always be safe and that I have come a long way from the person that I once was. Even though I do not feel that I have control of a situation, there is a part deep down that knows that I do and that some of the things that I ruminate about that cause me anxiety are just not worth the energy, especially when they are only a small fraction of the week.

And even if I wanted to have control of the situation that I feel that I do not have control of, that is just not possible and quite frankly, I am doing much better because of leaning to adapt to the new situation even if my anxiety is unwilling to allow me to see that in that moment. It is important to remember that I am indeed safe and that what I am thinking does not really matter, it is invalid and does not exist anymore in the way that it does. I need to start by letting go of the old ways of thinking and moving forward into the new way of thinking without allowing my energy to be diverted into this deep hole of something that is quite useless.

Yes, anxiety is real. It is part of being autistic and it and ruminating about things is always going to be there, but it should be about good things and not all about things that are useless and do not exist anymore.