It can be hard to imagine that I have been living on my own for over six years and just this month four years in my current apartment. Yet, I must really carve out my own slice of my own life that is unique to me and different from with family or anyone else that I associate myself with.

There has been a great deal of reluctancy recently that I have not wanted to believe or address. I often isolate myself from others or wanting to do things that are outside of my own being. Anxiety can play a huge part in this, and I am reluctant to do anything that is not comfortable to me. I know that I cannot control everything in the world and that too has been a deterrent in wanting to do things that I do not know what to expect.

In addition to those things, when connecting with others, there is a great sense that I would be rejected by someone, or I would not get the answer that I would want. There is no one that wants to connect with me out of fear of what my deficits are rather than what I can bring to the situation or connection at hand. I know that I need to do better in this regard, and I keep trying at making better choices when it comes to making a connection or doing things for my own personal desires or wants.

 But honestly, I feel like I never get the chance to do what I want to do because I never push myself to do things. In the past year, I have not left my apartment as much on my own to do something unscheduled and for that it can set me back in some sort of way because I just keep to myself without even trying to do something to better myself. I know that I need to do better and even though I have been through so much, I have yet to define what my own part of life really is because honestly, I have never given myself the chance to.

Without a doubt there must be a willingness to do such things. When comparing one day where I lay around to get started to the next where I get moving because I know that I want to get things done, there needs to be a willingness to do what I want to do and if I don’t have that, I don’t have any desire to do anything and will resort to doing things that aren’t as beneficial to me.

I am only as good as my willingness to do something and just like the things that I like to do presently, I cannot do the things that I know would be beneficial in carving out my own slice of life by taking the initiative and trying to do more things that bring me joy as only myself. It is not that there are benefits from others, but I need to find more of a life alongside the connections that I have had for an extended period while working to combat anxiety and fear along with being open to new ideas and experiences. I have the potential to do whatever my mind sets up for me if I allow myself to see that potential and do what I set in my mind to do instead of allowing myself to hide from what always feels uncomfortable to me.