Having Thoughts are a continuous thing for an autistic person. I have thousands of thoughts daily. Many of them are repetitive. I know I must work to be better with my thoughts and understanding that thoughts must stay as thoughts by being diverted and not pass the imaginary filter through my voice.

There have been many times where I have just blurted what I was thinking without realizing what the consequences of saying it could have on myself or others. Often in the past I have said some hurtful things to my mother. Many people close to both of us feel like there is an umbilical cord that extends three miles down the street between our houses.

While from the surface in the outside the world we may both seem as we both have the best life. In her car or her home at times is when I am not the nice person that everyone knows. I feel that I can remove the filter that I have with the outside world and let my words fly without understanding how they feel for her. I have continued to believe that I can get away with whatever I say does not matter.

I say things to her that I would never say to no one else about my life and many other things that would make the outside world believe that I need serious mental health attention. However, at the end of my spilling fest, we somehow pick up the pieces and move forward with what I have done, even though I will eventually realize that it is not right.

I fully understand that I must work at being better with my thoughts and learn how to control them in all aspects of who I meet. There are many times when I am left to myself and I let these words brew without doing the work that is necessary to divert the words and thoughts away from my train of thought and work on keeping my mind and body purposeful with meaningful activity so I do not ruminate and have looping thoughts that seem to never end.

Part of what makes what I experience when I am my worst towards my mother is the fact that I am not caring for my mental health in the way that it needs to be cared for. There is a reality that in that instance I was not being straightforward about following my mental health regimen and even though I keep it as a skeleton in my closet because at times I feel as I am ashamed of what I did or I don’t want to miss out on something, I know it is why the words and thoughts are spewing a million miles an hour, but they are also passing through the invisible filter that is common in autistic folks such as myself.

I now realize that I must work at taking better care of myself, including deviating from the thoughts. My mental health treatments that have been prescribed for me have been proven to work and while they are a small piece of the puzzle, they are essential in facing life’s challenges where there are moments of instability where managing my word choice may be more challenging.

It has to be my choice when it comes to managing my mental health and while things like medication, sleep,  and therapy are all parts of the equation, there is also the hard work that must be done in order to work to mitigate the challenging thoughts that I have and work at bettering myself.