Yesterday, I shared about finding the good in my life. I want to continue the train of thought with the feeling of being happy with myself. Just like seeing the bad things in my life, for the longest time, I have thought very negatively about myself to the fact that I have just laid around and thought of nothing else but making myself and others miserable. However, in recent weeks, I have worked on flipping the script on the way I feel about myself.

Growing up, I have always known that I was “different.” I have been bullied clear until I left the eighth grade in many types of forms that made me feel different about myself. Having my form of autism made me feel different and I was never able to understand things as my neurotypical peers did. I always wanted to fit in, but in a short time I learned that was never in the cards for me and I would never find my place in this world.

Believe me, people have tried to connect with me, but I was never keen on it, or I set my standards too high that I was easily offended by any flaw that I had in the process. I had always believed that things had to perfectly fall into place and when they did not, I would be disgusted with myself to the point I was not a good person.

This continued into adulthood, although I had met many adults that saw my good qualities. However, I never had the true friendships that I desired. I was often under the cusp of my parents home and constantly sought out my mother for my personal entertainment, hardly ever giving her a chance to breathe. My father was a very work-invested man, constantly working on the farm with his horses or whatever animal he had. There were times when I had to help him with whatever project he needed help with and that made me so angry that I was at their disposal to do whatever they needed.

Eventually, I decided to move out on my own and while at first I did not take care of my mental health in the way that I needed to because I believed that it was my parents trying to rule me, eventually due to issues with my first apartment and the COVID-19 pandemic, I ended back home back in the misery along with the misery I already had. Once the initial lockdowns were lifted, I worked at finding a new home and eventually through pure luck I got the apartment that I have been for four years now.

Yet, I could not find that happiness that I so sought out to find. It wasn’t in finding companionship or friendship, but it was seeing everything that was wrong with the motions of life and how they were bothersome to me because my anxiety was heightened because of things being the way that they were and even though I did not see it, eventually the dam of anger broke loose and the bother that was gave away.

Eventually the main worries in my life gave way to better opportunities and while the unwillingness and anger to get rid of what was lingered until recently, it has started to subside breaking ways to actually feeling better about myself and seeing that there are actually opportunities and a reason to be happy with myself because I am living the life that has been destined for me for a very long time. I have started to let go of the anger that I have been holding onto for so long and making my mental health a top priority.

There have been many changes this calendar year, but many of them have been good and have made me a better person because of it. I have learned that I am such a better person when I work through my feelings and let go of what I cannot change or control. I know that I am the only person that can make myself happy and now is the time that I can choose to start to make myself happy because I finally deserve it.