There are so many times in the day that I worry. I am gradually getting to the point where there is the understanding that worrying constantly about things that I do not have control over is not going to do anything but continue to heighten my state of mind further and take away some of my valued time that I could use being more creative.

There is always something about which I am thinking. That is just how my mind operates. It cannot stop. Thankfully when it comes to doing something, the medicine kicks in and I can do what most humans do, like sleep for example. The medicine keeps the thoughts that keep me up at night at bay so I can get a decent amount of sleep. I have had many up all nights and I do not ever want to experience them again like I have on top of not feeling well from overthinking and withdrawals of not medicating properly.

Nonetheless, there are things out there that we as humans cannot control. I am one for the longest time had thought that because of the love that everyone had for me that I could control everything about certain things. However, I have started to learn that is not the case and I must be able to withstand the things that I cannot control. Some things are hard to manage in life wit their unpredictable outcomes and that is what can cause me to worry about the things that I cannot control. I often worry about the things that never have happened to me like this is going to be the time.

Sometimes things are happening the way that they happen because there has been a miscommunication in the way that things are to happen. I may not have understood that because of a miscommunication between when things were communicated to the proper party, but recently something such as a time when I was to be somewhere through paratransit has caused me a great deal of anxiety. Now making the scheduling department aware of the proper time I need to be at a certain location has helped in ensuring that I am there at the time that I expect, and the anxiety and worry has lessened greatly.

This is just one of the things in the day that can be a struggle. Waiting has never been a strong suit for me. When things do not happen in the way that they need to, it causes worry and anxiety if something happened during what is supposed to happen to throw things off course when in fact, life gets in the way of what makes things happen in the way that autistic people often like rigidity and the lack of flexibility of the course of the day.

Granted, I have done better in being more flexible. That is something that I have certainly needed to have in the course of 2024. I am doing better, but one thing that I have continually learned is that taking all of medication is my friend in the process in helping manage the situations that are out of my control and be able to not concern myself with the things that I cannot fix.

Granted, things like scripting occur. However with understanding that there are things that I will never be able to change as it relates to the scripting, the scripting has begun to lessen as a result of knowing that this is going to be my life for some time and as angry as my thoughts have wanted to be about certain things, doing so is not going to make the situation that I must face any better and it is best to not consume my time with worrying so much about the things that I can no longer change or control.

I have learned that there can be more time used for finding the happiness that I desire rather than continually consuming my brain with useless thoughts that are going to get me nowhere but feeling angry with no way to properly express them with others also being frustrated with me because I have not found a healthier outlet for doing so.

At least for the current moment, I am in a better position because I have chosen to let go of the things that I along with others have realized are not going to change. I have also understood that I need to shift my focus away from the things that I cannot control or bother me until there is a healthy venue for me to express my feelings or share my concern about them. I can only be my best self if I allow myself to be that and stop worrying so much about everything, every moment that there is to worry. I need to do better at not worrying and finding new things to distract my mind with other than the same old same old.