Today, while out running errands after church with my mother, she mentioned the topic of how I do not have any friends and how that must be lonely for me. In all the years of my living, I have never really thought about it because I have always felt that I would never want to have a life with someone else. That is true, but it is not always that way.

Autistic people often deal with a lack of friendships or connection with others. Sometimes there is a desire to connect, however because of the playing field of friends and relationships not always being level and fair, it can be hard to find that right connection where the chemistry matches similarly. That is why I cannot fathom myself as having a connection to something or someone else.

I find having any kind of relationship challenging and if it was a romantic relationship, I find them quite repulsive or toxic and hard to navigate. That is the main reason I came out as asexual earlier this year because traditional relationships; while not always leading to sex, I find very repulsive and impossible for me, regardless of gender. Therefore, I do not feel that I always fit in with the world and as such it can be hard to make connections with others not because I do not think I deserve it, rather it is just too hard and too much. Sometimes, it takes a lot just for me to take care of myself/

I would be lying if there were not times when thoughts fly and there are some pretty ideas of what my life is going to be like later when some of my loved ones are not here. I honestly do not want to think about it and just live in the day to day of life rather than think about it. There are times when I do not know what to do with myself and I think about things, some of them I cannot control. While I do know that I have the power to some things, there is just no desire to push myself further than where I feel comfortable because while I have done many things in my life, things like interacting with the feelings of another human being is not something that is not stationary and could fluctuate in any way that brings some unknowns to the table.

Life is already hard enough for me. It can be hard to get through the day and while some may think that having a relationship with someone may be the solution that brings me happiness, I just don’t feel that it would make me happier, in fact there are many parts of my life that I feel that it would further compound my challenges and not allow me to have the time that I need for myself and give another human being the attention that they deserve.

I get that I am a single person, and I am happy with that. Even though there are times when I may be lonely, they eventually go away, tomorrow will come and things will have a fresh start. It may seem down and out at any moment, but I have accepted things for what they are.