In the past year, so  much has changed. Above the surface, you would believe that I have fully understood and accepted all of them. While I have agreed that change can be a good thing, there are still parts of me that want to hold on to once was, even if it was not healthy or a solution for me.

As there have been many changes in the past year that have happened, my employer moving into their own building, the change in transportation and the dynamic of the day program, being caffeine free and so much more, there has been so many changes not only in myself but also many other parts of the world, yet there is still a part of me that want to hold on to believing that there are some things that are still valuable, yet deep down they are not.

It is a well-known fact that autistic people struggle with change, and I have experienced many changes in the past year. I have experienced a host of emotions in the process and as a result, is having me experience periods of echolalia and scripting about the past of things that I think about the past that think should remain in place for my personal convenience.

Even though I have successfully made the necessary adjustments to move forward from what was doesn’t totally mean that behind closed doors I am ready to move forward and let go of what was, even though I was led to believe differently about what was, there is still a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of some things because I feel that there should be some sort of repayment for having to make the changes.

Even though I know that is unhealthy to think in the way that I do, I have started to have the conversation with those that I have needed to about what I am experiencing. I have started to let go of the feelings and it has been a process, but it has not happened at the speed that I have liked. There are instances where intrusive thoughts and rumination appear along with the echolalia and scripting appear, even though it is when I am to myself,  it can be hard to get rid of what I am thinking. I am increasingly doing better and am trying to be patient, but there is also great frustration in addition to what I am experiencing because it is a negative feeling that I know is unhealthy for me to have and is only hurting me.

And while I know that there is so much more to life than the thoughts that are being perceived, I just which I could finally understand that I could accept the changes better behind closed doors and work more at finding ways to eliminate the things like the echolalia and scripting of those negative thoughts that are going through my head. It is a process I know, as is any change, but I continue to give myself the grace I need to move on.