In my life there are many moments where I am required to battle intrusive thoughts in the day. They have lessened over time, but they often remain and are sometimes rough patches to conquer. They are thoughts that are no longer valid, but they still resonate with me continuously.

It can be hard to pinpoint as to why I think what I think. I do think that there has been a trauma response from having certain phrases being repeated to me or things that I have wanted to say at the instances when I was angry about something that I perceived was not going to be exactly what it needs to be. Even though I understand that what I am thinking is untrue and is no longer valid, in my brain, it exists as if I still believe that it should be the way that I was led to believe.

The thoughts come and go and indeed there are rough patches where I feel like that it is the worst possible thing about being autistic that I hate the worst. Just because I was led to believe something that was not true resonated with me years later and as such it has created such an effect in my brain that I constantly experience bouts where I cannot seem to shake off the thoughts that I am experiencing.

Even though I understand that life is so much better than what it is, my mind wants to go back to the way that things were, even though now I am thinking about it being that way I do not totally understand that going back to the way that things were would actually be a very destructive thing to do. Deep down I know that things are so much better than what they have been but because they have been going on for so long in the way that they have been and were often a focus in my life, it can be hard to let go of the past, even though I know that it is more beneficial to do so.

I know that I need to work at developing better things to do with my time than sitting around and ruminating about things that I cannot change or think about wanting to change because I have intrusive thoughts that want to change my way of thinking. I do understand that it has been a big change in my life over the past ten months, but I still want to hold on to old beliefs that weren’t even true because I was led to believe them even though I did not understand that they weren’t supposed to be the way that they were supposed to be.

I can hope that I move past having the intrusive thoughts as I know that they are very unhealthy for me, are hurting me and no longer have any value. I do agree that it has been traumatic over the years, and it is going to be time before the thoughts dissipate, but there are times when I wish it would be not there. It will go away in time; I just need to be patient and work through the intrusive thoughts.