It is hard to believe that it has been a year today since I had a full-blown manic episode. While it took me quite some time to get the hint and be honest about my mental health, I will never forget what happened on the last day I left my previous office location.

The reality was because I had made a very destructive decision over two and a half months prior, I did not realize that I was a ticking timebomb that could have been triggered by the smallest things and ended up in an extremely dangerous situation. It would still take me some time to realize that the behaviors that I had scared people and that I had to do what had been ordered to me and not defy those orders by making decisions that I was not supposed to be making.

It was quite sad really. I was so all over the place that I could not even think straight at all. Within a day, I was experiencing every mood under the sun and even though I wanted help when people knew that I was not well, I was living a lie. I just did not do what I needed to do because I thought what everyone was telling me to do was stupid and I wanted the feelings of the mania. But having the mania that makes me feel have the productive bursts would cease from time to time and not feel so well. I had so many people worried about me and even in tears because they wanted to help me, but I could not tell them what was wrong because I feared that because I lied, I would be in trouble.

Eventually, I would come home and get back on track. I would return to day services two weeks later and because my employer wanted to ensure that everything was ready for my return, I was off seven weeks. I had thought that when I would go to the new offices that it would be the right start for me. And while it was for some time, I began to slide off the path again and by next spring a made a less destructive decision, yet just as always it became quite noticeable.

It would be ten months until I could finally get the hint that I needed to adhere to my medication regimen and not make one more destructive decision. No matter how I do it, it never turns out to be a good decision. I am learning more that there is a sense of responsibility that needs to be met, just as my peers do. The ones that have stuck with me throughout the relapses know that and I realize that I must follow their lead, no matter what.

I had to realize that I needed to get real about my mental health and work on a plan to ensure that I no longer followed past behaviors, which is adhering to my medication and living life as I needed to. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have and that I never ended up in a dangerous situation either time. I know that I can do what I need to do if I want to. I certainly know that medication is necessary when I go anywhere and that living in a lie only sets you up into something that you do not want to be in.

I have recently been honest about the things that I have been experiencing. Letting go of the past emotional baggage and other stuff has made feel more at peace about myself that I can honestly work at being myself more and be able to live a much easier life because I am not constantly walking on eggshells on what I am hiding. It is easier to communicate my needs because I am medicated, and I know that I can control my emotions when I am speaking to others.

In the end, I am doing much better today than I was a year ago. It was listening to the honesty of how I was by my support system to realize that I was somewhere I did not want or need to be and things like medication are crucial and necessary for me. I know I can never go back to the old ways that I was behaving as there could be consequences because I have understood that. I am in a much better place because I am taking care of myself, and I know that.

I hope that I can finally put the mischievous behaviors that I was doing the past year behind me. I seem as if I am going on the right path and putting together the right things to ensure that I never make the decisions that I once made. I know that there are necessary things that I need to do to live independently and adhering fully to the medication regimen is one of those things that I must do because others are expecting me to do so.