While I have been living on my own for six years now, four of those years I have been living in my current home. Recently, I have realized that there is a depth of gratitude that must be given to those that had put everything into action to make it all possible for me to get here.

I have started to realize that after leaving my first apartment slowly as the country was opening after the initial COVID-19 lockdowns, I did not realize how the odds were at securing housing in my community. I was recently perusing through the newsletters of my day services over the outbreak and was quoted in the November 13, 2020, article of which we as members of the services were quoted with sharing why we were thankful. I quoted that “I was so down in the dumps thinking life was so bad, but this (the new apartment) has given me a reason to be thankful.”

But beneath the surface, I was getting back into the ways of being unwell again and eventually my appreciation became very negative commentary towards my family and support system, even as they were trying to help me see the positive of the situation as the world was shutting down over the Christmas Holiday due to a resurgence of  COVID-19, I could not see what there was to be thankful for. I had two meals delivered on Thanksgiving and even had Clubhouse staff deliver us meals on Christmas that year but could not see it.

Instead, I have seen everything wrong with my home. The steps, the delay in the dryer, having to walk further to the stores and restaurants, etc. But there were so many good things about it and the many times that my parents and supporters would want me to see it, I just could not. Even as there were members of day services that saw me as an inspiration, I just could not shake the fact that there were benefits of living where I live today.

While I did work through some of the negativity through psychotherapy, there was a great part of what I was experiencing because I had not completely adhered to my medication adherent. I had hidden this fact from many and was masking my symptoms from many while dosing here and there. I remember the outrage when a bridge near my home was being replaced for five months, the negativity and anger  that brewed when I was first made aware of the situation. Thankfully, pedestrians were accommodated through the closure, thus not needing a detour. There is much gratitude to those who made it possible and my already skewed mind at the time at a greater ease.

This home has greater value than my other home did as there were many bad memories of it, but I have made amends with the past and moved on. But it was not until after the relapses were finally over a few months ago that I had started to love and be grateful for the home that I have. I have realized that this is my home and that it is best to make it what it is. I am working better at making it comfortable, by making it more of what I feel like it should be and not constantly living in fear of something bad happening. There are realities that I must accept, and I am like any person who has a house, it is mine.

I am extremely grateful for everything involved with the situation and how I got here, which was honestly by chance. Even though it would be harder now a days to be able to find a place, this is my home, and I am grateful and honestly quite satisfied with my home.