As the weekend nearly ended yesterday, my brain ruminated a lot on the same old pesky thoughts that I have been having for an exceptionally long time. I was telling someone briefly this to my treatment team and they directed me to think about something else. I do want to think about something else, but it can be difficult at times because it can be many times what my brain will relate many things to.

In my mind, I know that I need to relax and think about other things. That can be hard to do because not being able to quickly shift gears to something that I am indeed going to find entertaining can be quite difficult to do. It is not like I cannot find something that interests me, but for most of my life it could be hard to stay focused on something and be totally engaged in it for one reason or another, then the negative thoughts would be prone to appear again.

The thoughts are going to be addressed at the appropriate time, but it is those thoughts that keep me overthinking about the resentment, vindictiveness, and other emotions that I am feeling about them, even if they are non-existent. As much as I am trying to let the feelings I have go, the thoughts still appear from time to time although likely because of the medication that I had not been fully adhering to for quite some time now working much better, there is less intensity of the ruminating nature of the thoughts.

Nonetheless, it can be hard to get out of that rut of overthinking and having it flare up into anxiety. Then there is the guilt of just relaxing and doing healthy things. It can be hard to feel as if my brain must be totally engaged because I know that the vulnerability  of getting back to the thoughts reappearing. I know that it is important to focus on what is happening and that  I have never really found what works for me to be totally engaged because the thoughts that I have I have been deeply involved in them for a long time and while I am starting to let go of the feelings, I understand that it is going to be a process, yet I am hyper critical of myself and believing that they will never go away.

 But, I know that I am not being patient with myself when it comes to the process of experiencing these emotions and as deep as a relationship I have with these thoughts, I can start to let them go and make headway towards finding better things to focus on, which I have never really taken the liberty to actually work towards finding opportunities other than what occupies my brain because for many years it is what I have come and known to live my life by.

However, life changes and I must be willing to move forward in life. As hard as it can be to do that, it is something that I must be willing to push through, no matter what. I must begin to realize that I cannot change the way that things were or what happened in the past because it was always that way. Nor can I hold resentment of being vindictive in my headspace because it must understand that its not healthy to do so.

Therefore, I must work at being better about relaxing and thinking about something else when those thoughts are present in my headspace because they are no longer valid, and I know deep down that I am never going to act on them and therefore they are unhealthy to keep them in my head. They will diminish eventually but it takes being kind to myself and giving myself some grace when I need it to allow myself to get through the tough times.